The Elmo Theory of Contaiment
Unfortunately, the State Department won't return my calls on this theory that I developed, but I really think it would work.
Everyone knows how loveable and friendly Elmo is. There is no other politician in western society who could do what Elmo could do here in the field of foreign influence. No one is as sweet, kind and respected by so many people.
We should immediately send Elmo to countries where there is something bad going on as the official ambassador to the United States. Right now, in Iraq, we would send Elmo to strike up a conversation with Sadaam Hussein, and I guarantee the results would be an immediate ceasation of hostilities towards the United States. Within moments, Elmo's ability to move from arguments about "The Great Satan" to "rub my tummy" would immediately change the environment of the disagreements between our nations. Within a few days of tummy rubbing and strategic naivety on Elmo's part, the Iraqis would stop hating the US and immediately try to spread love and friendship throughout the world.
Elmo would have a harder time with North Korea, unfortunately, but I still think he could do it. You see, Elmo has the one skill that no other diplomat would ever dare use: when the going gets tough, Elmo can cry. And when Elmo starts to cry, there's not an evil dictator in the world that could possibly go against the furry red one. And with North Korea being so behind the times on everything else, Elmo could help in another way that North Korea never even realized: he could teach North Korea to count. We'd probably try to avoid having Elmo teach them letters because the Korean alphabet is more stick figures, so it would be kind of hard for him to say: "Today's lesson is the letter up and down line with a circle underneath it".
And then we can dump the guy that's representing us in the UN as well. The guy is obviously not representing US interests well enough. Who but Cookie Monster would better represent American interests? He's a born capitalist (give him a cookie, and he's happy), so he would always have the US's best interests at heart.
People, the problem isn't an evil Iraq or a misguided President Bush (yes, both arguments so not making a choice either way), but the people who are communicating between them. For too long we have ignored the abilities of great negotiators such as Elmo and Cookie Monster. It is about time that we put forth an agenda that truly represents America. After all, what American (today) couldn't benefit from the logical discourse that is Elmo? If not that, at least he could teach us the benefits of the Number 5.
Stumble It!
Unfortunately, the State Department won't return my calls on this theory that I developed, but I really think it would work.
Everyone knows how loveable and friendly Elmo is. There is no other politician in western society who could do what Elmo could do here in the field of foreign influence. No one is as sweet, kind and respected by so many people.
We should immediately send Elmo to countries where there is something bad going on as the official ambassador to the United States. Right now, in Iraq, we would send Elmo to strike up a conversation with Sadaam Hussein, and I guarantee the results would be an immediate ceasation of hostilities towards the United States. Within moments, Elmo's ability to move from arguments about "The Great Satan" to "rub my tummy" would immediately change the environment of the disagreements between our nations. Within a few days of tummy rubbing and strategic naivety on Elmo's part, the Iraqis would stop hating the US and immediately try to spread love and friendship throughout the world.
Elmo would have a harder time with North Korea, unfortunately, but I still think he could do it. You see, Elmo has the one skill that no other diplomat would ever dare use: when the going gets tough, Elmo can cry. And when Elmo starts to cry, there's not an evil dictator in the world that could possibly go against the furry red one. And with North Korea being so behind the times on everything else, Elmo could help in another way that North Korea never even realized: he could teach North Korea to count. We'd probably try to avoid having Elmo teach them letters because the Korean alphabet is more stick figures, so it would be kind of hard for him to say: "Today's lesson is the letter up and down line with a circle underneath it".
And then we can dump the guy that's representing us in the UN as well. The guy is obviously not representing US interests well enough. Who but Cookie Monster would better represent American interests? He's a born capitalist (give him a cookie, and he's happy), so he would always have the US's best interests at heart.
People, the problem isn't an evil Iraq or a misguided President Bush (yes, both arguments so not making a choice either way), but the people who are communicating between them. For too long we have ignored the abilities of great negotiators such as Elmo and Cookie Monster. It is about time that we put forth an agenda that truly represents America. After all, what American (today) couldn't benefit from the logical discourse that is Elmo? If not that, at least he could teach us the benefits of the Number 5.
Stumble It!
posted by Duane @ 7:37 AM
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