Here is an article I just had published today in The Western Herald (I'd link it but they're really slow sometimes in getting those things up there):

We Must Liberate Oppressed TV From Neighbors (title changed from Operation: “My Next Door Neighbor’s TV’s Freedom”; further proof that I hate when they destroy the titles I put on these articles)

I was walking by my neighbor’s window the other day, and I noticed that he has this really big, expensive television set. I also noticed that he was watching some kind of sports game on television, and he was yelling at it, so I began to feel sorry for that TV. I also noticed that my neighbor has a temper tantrum problem, and on more than one occasion, I have actually seen him throw physical objects at his television, injuring it.

Now, I know that my own television enjoys a state of complete freedom. It is free to choose whatever channel it wants to, and I’m quite okay with that. I mean, sometimes I’ll change the channel, but most of the time, I’m happy watching whatever my TV has chosen for me. But I noticed that this neighbor’s television is required to watch all sorts of dirty television shows that I assume are on some cable channel that I refuse to admit I have access to. Yet, that poor TV has no ability to stop these horrible shows from being shown on it.

The other day, a reliable source, of whose identity I cannot reveal because it could possibly result in harm coming to him, brought it to my attention that my neighbor might actually have an illegal cable box. So, I contacted my neighborhood’s association and told them that I want that television released from this guy’s house, or I was going to take personal control of the situation and get that TV out of there. In the beginning, the neighborhood association didn’t even take me seriously. They said they’d look into the situation but to just go back to my own business and then they’d deal with it. Well, they didn’t deal with it because I could still see him beating on his television set through his window. So I went back to the neighborhood association and said that me and my other neighbor Brian were very much against this guy beating up his TV, so we gave them two weeks to make him comply with our demands, which were kind of along the lines of “make things better for the TV, or we’ll make him pay.” They told me to stop complaining and that if I didn’t stop, they’d call the cops. Well, this just really pissed me off because I paid my money to the neighborhood association, and I couldn’t believe they weren’t going to do anything about this guy and his abusive attitude towards his TV.

So, I went to his door and I told him that under no circumstance would I stand aside as he abused his TV. I guess the guy thought I was nuts, so he ignored me, but this just pissed me off more. So, finally, I made an ultimatum and told him that if he didn’t leave his apartment and never come back again, I would raid his apartment, free his TV, and possibly do all sorts of damage to his stereo, his cat and Xbox system in the process.

He ignored me, even reporting me to the neighborhood association who then decided they felt he just needed more time to stop damaging his television. They said they’d send someone over to look in on him from time to time.

So my friend Brian and I decided we had to do something about it. We went to all of our other neighbors and told them we were going to liberate this enslaved television, but for the most part, they kept telling us we’d be better off going to the neighborhood association. When I explained that they were too wimpy to do anything about it, my neighbors just said it wasn’t worth it, and that it was better to let the association handle it.

So, realizing we had no other choice, Brian and I decided to take matters into our own hands. We figured that after we freed the television set, our other neighbors would help us clean up the mess because they are our neighbors, and that’s part of their responsibility as neighbors. If not, we’d report them to the neighborhood association for not living up to their responsibilities.

But before Brian and I launched our assault on the guy’s apartment, we started to hear stories of the atrocities that our neighbor was often accused of. One of our neighbors, Irene, said that our neighbor had a habit of forcing people into his home to listen to long stories about how he used to play the accordion. She stated that sometimes those people were never the same again.

So we realized there were risks, so we both bought ear plugs, and as we looked in through his window, we could tell that he also had ear plugs, so we had all the proof we needed that he was quite willing to subject people to this type of torture.

But we’re available of the risks, and we’re convinced that it’s completely worth the risk. We’re ready to go, regardless of how many times the neighborhood association has warned us not to. I mean, if we don’t do this, who knows who might have to listen to this guy’s accordion stories in the future?

But we’re not doing it for ourselves. We’re doing it for that television set. No television set should ever have to go through what that poor TV has gone through. Could we forgive ourselves if we didn’t do something while we had the ability?

Stumble It!