My political analysis to someone who has woken up in a cave and only now realizes an election is about to take place:

John Kerry

John Kerry is running on his war record against a president who a lot of people believe has led the country in the wrong direction. As such, Kerry has taken the position of "the alternative to Bush" because the Democrats had to nominate somebody, because "anybody but Bush" couldn't be written onto the ballot.

Kerry stands for pretty much left-leaning moderate democratic platforms such as raising taxes and more money for education. His foreign policy platform is somewhat hazy as he appears to be interested in doing what Bush has done, but not like Bush.

A final determination of Kerry is that if you vote for Kerry, expect the same type of administration that you had under Clinton, except you would probably have a few statesmen, like Wesley Clark, who are capable of waging strong wars by appearing on CNN and telling us what isn't working.

George W. Bush
Not to be confused by his father of almost the same name. They're not alike in any way. Also not to be confused with Reagan, of a completely different name, although the younger Bush would like to latch onto that individual as his "new" father, even though he's nothing like him.

Bush's platform is "vote for me and things will be good", which means that if things are good for you right now, expect them to be exactly the same four years from now, although we might be hating a different country by then, so don't invest all of your money in anti-Iraq bumper stickers.

Bush is tied to the religious coalition, and when push comes to shove, he will do what they tell him to do, or if he's seriously searching for support, he'll do things he hopes they want so they'll come out and support him.

Bush promises good things if re-elected, but the reality is you will get exactly what you have now under Bush with four more years of Bush. If that's a good thing, then that should help you figure out your vote. If it's a bad thing, then you should rethink that vote. If Bush had any great ideas for the next four years, he would have enacted them long before the election, so we're stuck with the same path he's already steering. Again, that's open to interpretation, based on how things are for you now.

The biggest criticism of Bush is an accountability problem. If anything goes wrong, expect him to blame your Aunt Lizzie before he says he did something wrong. As a matter of fact, anyone in his administration can embezzle money, have affairs or blow up small countries that can't fight back, and he'll still say it's okay because they're "patriots and good Americans".

A final determination of Bush is that if you vote for Bush, expect the exact same government you've had for the last three years. Exact. No difference.

Ralph Nader
His platform boils down to "hey, look at me over here. No, really, please look!"

He has zero chance whatsoever of being elected. But he has very important things to say. He believes the Democrats and the Republicans have become so entrenched in government that common Americans have lost touch with their own government. His campaign is about reminding the two parties that Americans still care about government that isn't pre-packaged for them by one of two parties.

But his message will be lost in the ether because neither of the two parties take him seriously, even though his message is probably the only one during this and the last election that actually makes any sense.

A final determination of Nader is that his administration will...okay, I can't continue. It's hard to keep a straight face when talking about an administration that has less chance than the Lego Party.

Conclusion
If you listen to one or the other party, they will tell you the other side is nuts. If you're a Republican, Kerry is a traitor to his country who cheated to get his medals while never being injured, and if elected, he will flip-flop so many times that nothing will ever get done as Al Qaeda terrorists invade America and blow up the local Dairy Queen. The Democrats say that George W. Bush is dishonest, wants to kill your working class children by sending them to wars that no one wants, is inherently stupid but diabolically evil (still trying to figure out that connection), and is clueless about the American people.

By not actually paying attention to the election, you may be the ONE person who knows more about who we should elect than the rest of us. The rest of us are so bogged down in our own feces that our political opinions concerning the election can only be seen as ridiculous, and funny if there was someone not so tied to the fight to be able to laugh at all of us.

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