WWGD: What Would Gumby Do?

These days, we seem to be lacking in true American heroes that help us define our existence. I mean, there was George Washington who cut down a cherry tree and, um, didn't lie about it. Okay, you can only get so far on that one. I mean, the other day, I was robbing a liquor store and then the police caught me and asked me, "Duane, did you rob this liquor store?" And all I could think to myself was what would George Washington say? He would turn to the police officers and tell them that yes, he robbed that liquor store with his Gatt, stealing the $14.72 out of the cash register to fund his overwhelming crayon sniffing habit. Well, I realized that I was in possession of the two Misty Green crayons that I had previously sniffed, and there was little I could do but either tell the truth, as my George Washington idol would demand, or I needed a new role model. And immediately I realized that George Washington couldn't fill my needs. I needed someone different. Someone like Gumby.



You see, when faced with such a dilemma, Gumby wouldn't just stand up and say, "Yes, officer, I robbed the liquor store." No, he would realize that others depended upon him, like Pokey, the orange horsey that pal'd around with Gumby. Not only that, but there was also Prickle, Gumby's dinosaur friend, and Goo, whatever the hell that strange blob character was supposed to be. The point is, Gumby had friends that counted on him, as do I, like my stuffed animals, like Elmer the frog and Joshua the often misunderstood penguin. If Gumby was asked if he robbed the liquor store, he would have used his powers of elasticity to find a way out of the mess, quite often by morphing himself into a train or a wall or whatever else he thought of at the time.



You see, Gumby was always aware that the blockheads were out to get him. They were evil, and they would use whatever powers they could find to beat poor Gumby. Unfortunately, they would do anything, like accuse Gumby of robbing liquor stores. Okay, they never actually accused him of that, but if they thought they could get Gumby to admit to it, they'd accuse him of robbing liquor stores, so poor Gumby would have to avoid admitting to it, much like me.

Because the blockheads of the world are always out to get the inner Gumbys in us. We know, and they know it, but unfortunately that type or argumentation never holds up in a court of law. Believe me, I've tried.

So, whenever you are faced with some theoretical complication like a potential criminal case involving a liquor store robbery, or maybe an actual liquor store robbery, remember the important letters of WWGD, or What Would Gumby Do? Gumby would never admit to robbing the liquor store because that's just not Gumby. George Washington would admit it but that's just because he's not as smart as Gumby was. He took the rap for that whole cherry tree thing, and where is he now? Do you see him on TV these days as the role model for anything? Not a chance. The cherry tree lobbyist group totally screwed him over, turning completely against everything he stood for. Because the cherry tree lobby is so powerful in our government, poor George Washington these days stands for everything against cherry trees, like corruption and illegal wire tapping. But not Gumby. If you polled a lot of people about anything involving Gumby, you'd get nothing but great results.



Need I say more?

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