Thoughts and Ruminations

I'm writing this mostly for myself rather than for anyone else. I'm figuring that I'm going to be closing out my web log soon as my renewal of my domain name is supposed to happen this coming month, and I don't really have the money to pay for it, so I'm figuring the blog is going to end up going into the ether forever soon. So I figured I'd get the last bit of juice out of it before giving it up forever.

Things haven't been working out well for me lately, which is not surprising. It just hasn't been one of those years. Nothing I can do about that.

I went for a one day screening for a job the other day, and it was somewhat of a no-brainer, but apparently that doesn't really mean anything because I didn't get that job. Nor have I been able to get any other job for that matter. It's like I'm living in this fake world where it keeps going on around me, but I'm not part of it. And no matter what I do, I can't become a part of it. I try, but it seems like life has pretty much just given up on me.

It's like one of those great epic stories (not that my story is all that epic) but I've often wondered what happens to the hero after the big story is over and there's no obvious sequel planned. Not everyone gets to be Indiana Jones, reliving new adventures over and over again because those adventures just seem to come to him. No, some of us got our one big grab at the brass ring and we've been holding on for air ever since, never realizing the oxygen supply was severely limited when we went on autopilot.

I've been working on finishing up some of my novels, so I can at least say I got something accomplished. I worked pretty hard on revamping my Rumors of War novel, which is the first part of an epic arch story that I've been planning for a good part of my adult life. It's unfortunate that I'll never get to finish that epic. But I suspected it was going to outlast me anyway. I spent most of the day rewriting major sections that needed work. I'm hoping to have it completed by tomorrow. Then I'll send it out to be rejected before allowing it to disappear in the ether with everything else.

I never succeeded in getting a decent agent to sell my novels, so most of them will disappear into the ether eventually, never to be seen again. I think I'm okay with that. Galileo kept his secret manuscripts to destroy at the end of his life, but I think that secretly he always wanted them to be published after he was gone. I'm not the same. To quote one of my published pseudonyms, Davina Marconis:

I’ve finished the poem I was going to write
For the world
And I’ve kept it hidden here.
But like Galileo’s secret manuscript,
I will keep it to destroy right before I die
Yes, my poem can change the world
But this world doesn’t deserve it.
Crito, Asclepius can have his cock.
But that’s a gift from Socrates
When I go, I’m leaving nothing
Not even the memory of the fields
Of Laramie
And uncertain beginnings.

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