Pirates Hijack Duane's Novel off Somali Coast

Today, the writing of Duane Gundrum was hijacked by pirates in international waters near Somalia, the European Naval Force reported this morning.

Somali pirates attacked Duane’s latest novel approximately 600 nautical miles off the coast of Somalia. He was completing an intense scene involving a complicated, triangular romance between his protagonist, a nice Southern girl, and a mysterious woman known only as the Klaw. Complete details on their complicated relationship is unknown at this time, as the author was deep in the middle of a plot variation that could have resulted in either a twisted relationship, involving a previous lover or some kind of plot twist that might have introduced yet another character who has not yet been identified.

Why Duane and his writing was traveling so close to the Somali border is unknown at this time, although it is believed that his journey may have been influenced by the concept known in certain circles as Writer’s Block.

The Somali pirates are believed to have kidnapped numerous passengers on Duane’s cruiser, although sources have yet to reveal any names. However, a recent communiqué from the Somali pirates indicates that they are holding a plot point prisoner and are demanding $13 million dollars (US) in ransom. They threaten to “delete the hard drive” if they are not paid off as demanded.

European Naval Force commanders have indicated that they have no intentions of launching a rescue attempt at this time. Admiral Franz Heckler of the British Command Vessel Trinity stated, “We do not know anything at this time, and to be honest, Duane is kind of an unknown writer pretty much everywhere, so I’m really not sure anyone cares.”

An image of the pirate leader who Duane would REALLY like to find


Duane was contacted by email, to which he responded, “How did you get this email? Did my girlfriend put you up to this?” There is no indication at this time if his response was sincere, or if it was, in fact, some type of code that really means, “I can’t talk right now because Somali pirates have kidnapped my hard drive with my latest novel on it, but I really like your news program and recommend everyone watch it every hour that it airs.”

The US Navy responded to our request for information with a simple dispatch: “If we see pirates, we blow them out of the water. What was the question again?”

Former literary victim of Somali pirates, Elric Longfellow commented on this story with the following: “If only these pirates would target one of those stupid vampire novels. Just once….”

We will continue to report on this story as more information develops.

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