Discovering Who Your True Friends Are & the Use of Punctuated Equilibrium to Determine One's True Motivations

Most people who follow my research areas know this about me, but I tend to be much more interested in why individuals do things than in why groups of people do things. To me, history is not about how groups interact or act, but in how motivations push specific individuals to do the things they do. In other words, rather than try to figure out why the majority of people might have thought one way or another during the Moscow uprisings of 1991, I look at the influential people who swayed large groups of people so that we can see what that individual's actions did to move the crowd. Even more important to me is what was done by specific individuals that history does not record. So, rather than focus on the great speakers that swayed the founding fathers to do what they did, I look into the Tory speakers and writers who kept people from making the resistance unanimous. It may seem like common sense, but we don't study things that way other than as some kind of post-modernist approach to studying the status quo. I'm interested in it for the long term, to see how those individualists might be projected on future conflicts to see what might cause one rebellion to win while another to fail, instead of leaving them stuck in their own little footprint in time.

But I'm getting ahead of myself with this post. What I wanted to talk about is a symptom that I often study in social science that I also have started to observe in every day life. Right now, I'm having some real problems in Korea. Therefore, I started to turn to old friends who I have helped out in the past, figuring that the whole definition of friendship is that it is a person you can count on in a crisis. What I am discovering is that friendship is very situationally dependent. Some people I have helped out at great cost to myself in the past I recently contacted, asking for some assistance when needing to return home, and I was actually shocked at apprehensive they were to offer assistance of their own. One friend, in particular, is someone I have helped out in numerous situations where he has called me up and asked for assistance. Without a second thought, I was always willing to lend a helping hand, even canceling some of my own plans to help him out at the last minute. Imagine my susprise when I was asking him to help me figure out how to get back to the states with as little trouble as possible. I found the hesitation to be quite interesting, and the rambling while trying to find a way out of the conversation to be even more telling. Finally, I thanked him for his help (which he didn't give) and then I hung up. I realized that some people treat friendships one way, and once the need to reciprocate occurs, they waffle and go the other direction.

This is very much a part of my study of the human condition that I detail so much in my studies. It matches something I have believed for so long now that I constantly argue with people over. But the premise is simple: You can never tell the true nature of another individual until that person is required to step outside of his or her natural element. It was the same thing with combat. The tough talking guy was often the guy who ran the other direction. The quiet, demure one was the one who ended up saving the team.

This is one of the reasons why I find message boards so intriguing. People argue with each other constantly about how they would do one thing or another, but in reality, they have no idea how they would actually respond in any particular situation. They think they would do one thing, but when it comes down to having to make that choice, they rarely do what they expect, but do what they are most likley going to do because their decision-making skills are not based on their thinking process when things are not in crisis mode. Only when they have to face the realization that their actions will yield results that they cannot take back do they become aware of what exactly they would do because then they have to actually do it.

Years ago, I was working for a hotel when we suffered a chemical spill. I was the fourth in charge of a security detail, and the spill took out the director (the number one guy) and the safety director (the number three guy). I had gone down into the spill with them, but I was the only one to realize there was danger because of the first whiff of the chemical, so I grabbed towels from the housekeeping laundry (it was in the laundry room) and started breathing through that. My bosses were not so lucky. The number two person was not on site at the time, so I found myself having to take over a squad of twelve people who had never seen me in action before. Their supervisor, the one who should have been in charge, was in the control room in complete panic mode when I walked in. He couldn't formulate a sentence to give an order to any of his security officers, so I asked the dispatcher if there were any calls that were behind and not part of the crisis, to which there were a few, so I assigned the supervisor to those and took him out of the command loop. From there, I stated issuing orders to everyone to start doing what needed to be done. In about ten minutes, the director of Property Operations (Engineering) realized that Security was actually starting to lock down the system, so he came running into where I was to start coordinating larger events, realizing that we now had a command area where this could be done. In about fifteen minutes, we had saved another five employees who were trapped in the subbasement where the chemical spill took place (it turned out we had to go on a suicide run to the basement where all of the gas masks were stored in Engineering). In the end, we saved a lot of people that day, and what I found interesting was the after effects of the event. The second in command, the one who was not there, started claiming that she had done all of the actions that I did, because no one but me and a few other select people knew what had really happened. I didn't care but knew she was the kind of person to try to take credit for something she didn't do. Anyway, she would have succeeded but the general manager was questioning her and thanking her for her smart thinking in front of the Director of Property Operations who just lost it right then and there, claiming she was never there and that it was all taken care of by Security's investigator, me. Up until that time, the general manager didn't even know who I was. He knew who I was after that.

The point is: People all responded in different ways that were expected. Some of the security officers realized I was in charge and taking care of the situation so they immediately fel in line and started doing everything I said. In moments, I knew who I could count on and who I couldn't. The supervisor I mentioned was a nice guy, but he was not the kind of person who knew how to handle a crisis situation. Unfortunately, he remained in that job for a long time and there were many situations where he was the wrong person to show up at the right time, but those are other stories and for another time.

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Someone you know is looking for you!

I get these really annoying emails all of the time from spammers that try to look like they're legit. Some of these come from some legitimate sources, like Classmates.com, but they're still spam and they drive me nuts. One of the recent waves of spam messages has been the "Someone you know is looking for you!" Then you click it and it takes you to some social networking or singles site that wants you to sign up so you can "discover" who it is that "might be" looking for you. If you've ever been stupid enough to sign up, you discover that no one is actually looking for you, but now you have another gateway to lots and lots of spam.

So I started wondering: Who would ever be looking for me anyway? I mean, I'm on Facebook, so if someone wants to find me there, that's okay. Some people have. I've found some of my old friends, too. Good thing.

However, I realize there might be "other" people looking for me, too. First off, there are people who want to sell me things. Things I don't need. Things I don't want. But they will continue to send me information telling me how much I need a Viagra pill, penis enlargement surgery or new credit (I honestly think there's a connection between the three, but I'm not smart enough to make that connection). Eventually, they go directly into the spam filter.

Then there are bill collectors. Well, the ones that NEED to find me have found me. Anyone else is pretending to be a bill collector, or is someone I never would have paid in the first place.

Then there's the Army. Yes, the Army still keeps trying to convince me that I should go back into the Army...as an enlisted member. Yeah, right. Like that's going to happen. I'm going to go back into the service, join as an enlisted member this time, take orders from some 23 year old with a BA degree who thinks that BA degree and ROTC training at UCLA makes him a natural leader. My 2 MA degrees, nearly completed Ph.d., numerous BA/BS degrees, combat service and my West Point training really doesn't agree with that supposition. I asked an Army recruiter why I can't go back in as an officer, and they don't really know why the age restrictions were raised to 42 for enlisted but still remain around 30 for officers. That's a nonstarter.

So who else might be looking for me? Ex-girlfriends? Like the crazy one that I still fear might be looking for me? The one that talked about the different ways she would like to dismember the entire male population (where I was affectionately referred to as "the last victim")? The one that sent me an itemized bill when I finally convinced her that our relationship was over? For the record, all of those are the same woman.

So, I'm just not all that thrilled whenever I discover that "someone I know is looking for me!". No, I prefer they not find me. My stuffed animals and I are doing okay without being found.

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Way overdue for an update

I realize it has been over a month now since I last added an entry, so I figured I'd just kind of recap what's going on.

1. No real job so far on the horizon. I've been trying, and I have not been very successful. I keep ending up as the "second choice" of colleges, but never the first choice. San Francisco State went with one person over me. Casper College went with the other person over me. Pacific University in Oregon went with the other person over me. They often call me to tell me that they wished they could have chosen me, but in the end, they didn't choose me. My prospects are looking really dim these days. I almost got Hillsdale College, and I probably would have got it, but I had problems with my flight, so they ended up having to give it to one of the other people who actually showed up for the official interview in Michigan. I don't really know what to do at this point. I'm not finding any success, and it's almost August now.

2. Working temporarily. I'm working for EF, which is an English teaching school that works through the University of Phoenix. It is one of those jobs that lasts only a month, and by the end of this week, I'll be completely unemployed again. Before that, I was working a temporary month or so job with the county as an election trainer. That, too, ended, so little by little my little gigs are drying up.

3. Overseas might be my only hope. I'm currently looking into working in South Korea, teaching English or debate. We'll see how that turns out.

4. My computer stopped working last week. Apparently, my power supply decided to stop working, or blew itself out. I had to take my computer to a shop to actually get it repaired. To be honest, even though I've been a computer technician before, I misdiagnosed my own computer and didn't realize it was something as simple as a bad power supply. So, I replaced that and added another gig of ram to my computer (bringing it up to 3 gigs of ram). Cost me $200 that I didn't really have, but what can I say?

5. My writing hasn't been going very well lately. I am at one of those stages in my writing where I have a novel formulating in my head, but it's not ready to come out yet. This happens to me a lot with my novels. Unfortunately, it leaves me wanting to write, but not feeling comfortable enough to write yet. I have a working title of this next project that seems to be around the corner, entitled: She Talks to Penguins. Believe it or not, it's actually a very serious project, and something a bit different from what I've tried to tackle in the past. Considering I've tackled adventure, suspense, science fiction, fantasy, epic comedy and romance, this is more of a slice of life kind of novel, which I never actually imagined I would be writing. I guess it is more consistent with some of my recent work, which included my short story "Simple Girl" that took second place from the Stockton Arts Commission this summer; for the record, my romance story, "Buried Memories," took first place from the Stockton Arts Commission the year before. "Simple Girl" was more of a moralistic type of story about a stereotyped girl who everyone seems to ridicule behind her back, but in the end she was really the wisest character in the story.

6. Relationships. None. That's never really changed. I had a conversation with Kat yesterday when we went out for a beer at BJ's, and we talked about that same subject. I guess I don't really know what it is I'm looking for these days. In the past, I was involved with some pretty strange women, dating anything from a crazy girl from Hong Kong who desired to kill everyone in the human race, fondly referring to me in a loving manner as "the last victim"; a professional dominatrix who didn't understand why men found her so intimidating; a seriously toxic semi-supermodel who used to leave the table after we eat to vomit up everything she just chowed down; several best friends with whom I may have or may not have been actually dating at the time (just couldn't figure it out and blatantly asking just gave me vague replies); a couple of 18-20 year olds, who put out airs that they were much more mature for their age until we started dating and then suddenly they were really 18-20 year olds in maturity as well; and well, a couple of others that were great but just weren't either looking for me, or not there when I was finally looking for them.

So, we somewhat concluded, or at least I did, that I'm looking for someone intelligent who can stimulate me intellectually. I don't find myself looking for the same thing other men are looking for. Sure, an attractive woman is great, and I'll spend an eternity looking at a beautiful woman (Shania Twain, I'm looking at you right now...), but there has to be more to it than that. And that's so hard to find because I think too many women are socially stigmatized by what other men are seeking that they're all convinced that most men are interested in them only for sex. And that bad disposition gets reinforced by bad choices they make in trying to find that guy who is "just like you but not you".

There have been a couple of women who have come along but they're just not interested in me, or in a relationship at the moment. Some of them have been perfect for me, and I felt I would be perfect for them. But those relationships have remained strictly friendships because they're seeking someone else, even though I sometimes suspect that they don't know what they're seeking either. What's funny is that no matter where I go, and I do go numerous places in my life, I always end up with at least one or two really close female friends who are never interested in anything beyond friendship. And my jury is still out as to whether or not that is a good or a bad thing.

7. The Shoulder. It still hurts. I can barely move my arm still, and the pain has actually spread to my right shoulder as well, so I have little full mobility, and it hurts when I try to stretch my arms behind my back, like when I try to put a belt on my pants. With that said, the pain has become lessened somewhat, and I do feel that I've been able to get a bit more sleep at night than I use to. I am heading in for a surgery consultation this afternoon, and then in August I'll actually have the surgery itself, where they stretch the shoulder into a position and then supposedly, that "fixes" the problem of "frozen shoulder". I'm hoping so because it's been over a year, and this situation has really sucked a lot.

8. Tabula Rasa. It means "clean slate" but it's also the name of the game I've been playing religiously with the spare time that I have every day. It's an online game, like World of Warcraft, but it's so much not like World of Warcraft. And that's what I was seeking: Something NOT World of Warcraft. The premise is that the Earth has been conquered by an alien race called the Thrax (or the Bane), and we've regrouped on other planets where we're trying to win back our freedom from Bane oppression. It's so much different than other games I've played, and it actually feels like you accomplish something when you play. Plus, the important thing for me, is that it has a very rich story interwoven into the fabric of the game. That's rare. The game was designed by the creator of Ultima (and Ultima Online), Richard Garriott. Great game. I highly recommend it.

9. The Thesis. My second draft was given to Marlin almost two weeks ago. I haven't heard back on it. It's 115 pages approximately, so I can see why it would take some time to read through and correct it. I'm hoping there's not much more to do, because I really want this over and done with. I've been in school way too long. Plus, I need the stupid degree so I can show that I have something in return for the two years I spent here at the University of the Pacific.

That's pretty much it for now. Wish I had more to add, but that's a mouthful alone.

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Foreign Service Officer's Test and ending friendships

I took the Foreign Service Officer's Test for the State Department today. It was not a very difficult exam, although there are a lot of questions that cause one to have to think hard, especially if it's some historical event or economic theory that one does not remember. In all, the test did not take me that long to complete, but it's one of those that leaves you exhausted after you finish it.

I sent off three of my writing works to the Stockton Arts Commission today after I returned home. It's the same contest I won last year with my short story romance, "Buried Memories". I sent a short story called "Simple Girl", about a young woman everyone considers "simple" but ends up being the smartest person in town; it's more detailed than that, but that's the "simple" version of it. I also sent an article I wrote called "Stealing Humanity", and a poem I wrote called "Sleeping America." We'll see what happens.

Had a weird verbal altercation with a friend this evening that just kept pissing me off in the sanctimonious way he kept responding in our conversation. It was one of those "I can never be wrong, so I'm going to fight for each word of a sentence, even though it serves no purpose but piss off the other person" so I kicked him out of my house. If he needs to be "right", he can be "right" all the time he wants. It just won't be as my friend any more.

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Appealing to all can mean losing them all

This idea can easily be used in politics, and I'm sure if someone was intuitive enough that person could take what I say and cross apply it to the election manifestations that are going on right now. But I'm going to keep it simple, based one something that's been bothering me for awhile from a very, somewhat, innocent source.

If you've ever gone to school, and I hope we all have at one point or another, you've probably come across Classmates.com, which purports to be a resource to get people back in contact with their school mates from previous institutions. It's expanded a bit, and it's trying to appeal to be a social networking site for a lot more than schools, but whatever. Unfortunately for Classmates.com, it is coming up against both Facebook and Myspace, which both are free, and while Classmates charges money for the more useful services it offers (like actually being able to contact someone you want to contact), it has zero chance whatsoever of making people think it is in any way superior to either Myspace or Facebook.

And why is this? Well, one thing that Classmates USED to do well was it would divide up schools by the years you attended them, and then whenever someone else showed up on the site from that school, it would notify you. Well, realizing that the chances are slimmer rather than normal that someone is going to find Classmates.com on a regular basis, so you'd get lots of notices of people in your networks signing on, and showing the system is worthy of your dollars, they decided some years back to lump years together. So, I graduated from Moorpark High School some years ago. Let's just say the date was 1992 (which it was not). I used to get notices about other people from Moorpark who signed up, mainly if they were from the class of 1992. Well, Classmates, trying to make it look like the system is much more used than it really is decided that they'd do something stupid, like lump 1992 into 1990-1996, or something like that. So, now whenever someone from those years signs up, they send me an irrelevant message that doesn't concern me in any way whatsoever. I don't care if someone signed up who was from the class of 1996, but I have to sign on to find out that someone I don't know, or would have ever known, is the person they're notifying me about. So I just stopped using Classmates.com.

But they still send me notices, and I think that's just stupid. They made their own service so useless yet think somehow they've made it more relevant.

Which brings me to Facebook. I hate when someone changes something that already works. One thing I liked about Facebook is that when I clicked "Friends" it would show me all of my friends in detail. Now, it shows me JUST the ones who have updated their profiles. I don't care who updated his or her profile. I can find that out if I want. Now, without multiple clicks, I can't get that full detail version anymore. Well, maybe I can, but they didn't make it intuitively obvious.

So, Facebook, trying to appeal to even more people with a new "feature" have dumbed it down to an annoying presentation. So now I don't even sign onto Facebook unless I'm really, really bored, or someone like my friend Kat has signed on and tells me she sent me a message.

Myspace has gotten so annoying over the last few months, I almost feel like canceling the account. I receive invites over and over again from people trying to spam their sex sites. I deny each and every one of them, but it requires me to sign onto my Myspace account just to find out Tina is not the Tina I knew from high school, but some 19 year old slut who wants to sell me pictures of her going at it with a vibrator. When are these people going to realize that most of us just aren't interested in this trash? If someone's paying for this stuff, I guess I understand how they spam everyone hoping for success, but I can't believe anyone is that stupid to pay for that kind of crap. And if it WAS the Tina I knew it high school, I'd feel even worse, kind of like the feeling you'd get going to a strip club and seeing a dancer who turns out to be a close friend you lost contact with because she was having trouble paying bills and had to "take another job to pay her bills". Yeah, I guess one can say something about going to a strip club in the first place, but there was a time back when I was going to San Francisco State where I was dating a woman who worked at one of the very popular strip clubs in San Francisco, so I used to pick her up at work, and you'd be surprised how many women from school I used to run into who were "paying their way through college". It's kind of sad, actually, but that's not the point of today's memo.

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