The Problem With Health Care Legislation May Actually Not Have Anything to Do With Health Care

I'm going to go out on a limb and say something most people aren't thinking about, and most people probably don't want to admit (or will admit). The problem right now in today's political environment isn't health care, even though it does seem to be the main focus. Like most major issues, health care is serving as a metaphor for what is really wrong. What's wrong is not health care. What's wrong is that our country is stuck in at a nexus, and NO ONE has a clue where to take it next.

Think about it. The United States has been rudderless for decades now. We've been going on autopilot towards...well, to be honest, no one really knows where we're heading. All we know is that we seem to be reactive against things that we don't want. We don't want terrorists. We don't want unemployment. We don't want wars. We don't want cars speeding up and crashing into walls. We don't want crime. We don't want taxes, bad health care, mean people, too many commercials, men kissing on television (okay, some people don't want that, and others REALLY want that), pirates, high prices, corruption, evil banks, Wall Street profiteers and, well, the list seems somewhat endless, although I'd go on a limb and say we don't want long lists that seem to go on forever.

What we don't seem to know is what we do want. Oh, I don't mean intangibles. I know we all want "peace", money and Megan Fox (okay, some people want that and others REALLY don't want that). But we really don't have a grasp on what we really want and need. Throughout most of the US's history, we were at war with someone, or were fearing a war with someone. I'm sorry, but Iraq, Afghanistan, the Taliban, Osama Bin Ladin, and terrorism is NOT a war. Almost all of those are intangibles that really have no substance. Iraq is a war we didn't want or need that is now a mess we have to clean up. Afghanistan is a cesspool that has needed cleaning for several centuries now and has been a failure of numerous administrations, hegemonies and various dictators. The Taliban is another metaphor that has no substance to most normal Americans anymore than Team America: World Police was an accurate depiction of US Foreign Policy. Osama Bin Ladin is a spectre of an entity that we keep bringing back to scare little children who happen to be Republicans, live in Texas and vote for Sarah Palin. Terrorism? Um, a state of being is not a process of war. Terrorism is something you do to scare governments; it's not a thing you fight anymore than a War on Fear makes sense.

We need direction. And we need some where to actually go with that direction. Once, we needed to go to the Moon. So did Ralph Kramden, but we got there (he didn't). We elected a man who claimed he had a vision for America, but so far, that vision has been more like a new pair of glasses. Yes, it helps us see better, but it doesn't make the picture any more palatable. The kind of direction we need is the kind that leads us to a positive future of tangible benefits, not a potential esoteric plane of existence where we might feel better.

In the process, we have people out of work who need jobs. We have people without health care who need long term care. We have cities that cannot afford to put police officers in the streets, and even when they do, we have populations of people who don't even trust them, teamed up with populations of people who have been fending for themselves for so long that they've given up the Hobbesian perspective of trusting the gatekeepers.

The United States needs a vision of an actual future where tangible things can be worked for. People can work together towards an ideal if that ideal makes sense, but there seems to be way too much "trust me and all will be okay" in current day policy decisions. There is also way too much corruption in the ranks of the people who are supposed to be leading us towards that type of future.

Do I have an actual answer? No. I'm not the person who needs to be doing that in the first place. I never claimed to be a politician, nor do I even claim to have the best interests of the greater good at heart. I just know that listening to self-motivated individuals talk about how they know best about health care is not leading us to answers that will help the rest of us. Obama had one thing right during the election, and that was the concept of town halls. What he's not getting right is how they should be used. We need leaders that stop talking to us with great speeches about how they're going to continue doing the status quo in hopes of making things better. What we need are for those leaders to put together town halls and listen to the people. Listen to those constituents who put them in office in the first place.

Unfortunately, listening in this country involves money and lobbyists. As long as that continues, the cesspool is all we have available to us for future development.

Stumble It!

It's really the little things....

Little by little, I'm acclimating to Michigan and my new life here. For some reason, I thought I would be regretting the move across the country, but I don't. Not even a little. Sure, I'm freezing in the mornings because I don't own a coat, or I own one but have no access to it as it is in California. Unfortunately, the coat I had was a one of a kind type, and it is very hard to find anything similar here. Sizes are hard to match, and that one was just a perfect coat. I haven't found anything here. It seems like the stores realize there's a Winter coming up, but all the jackets seem geared for Spring. Or they're just stupid looking. Anyway.

I have a few pieces of furniture now. Nothing spectacular, but I have a table, which I'm using for a desk (it was delivered a few minutes ago). The desk/table cost me $25 (which included delivery), and it is perfect for my needs. I'm buying another smaller one from her to hold my TV, which is another thing I bought a few days ago for $40. I am finding most of my stuff on Craigslist, and I think it's great. My 20 inch Magnavox TV is pretty nice, and it's nice to have access to television again. My apartment includes free cable, so now I can take advantage of it. I thought the ScyFy channel was missing (it says channel 22, and I have no signal for 22) but it turns out the channel is 73, and I've been able to watch Stargate Universe on my own TV finally.

Little by little, I'm getting on the right medications. Dealt with a PA the other day who didn't understand that I didn't understand what she meant when she read back my lab results in doctor speak. I kept asking her what she was talking about, and she would explain with more doctor speak. NOT a very customer centered PA. One of the first lessons in communication is making sure the person you're talking to you has a clue what you're talking about. Therefore, you don't speak in jargon to someone who is not someone in your field. So far, this doctor's office hasn't impressed me that much. I called on Friday stating I am out of medication, so I need the doctor to call in the prescription. I explained the urgency. Nothing happened. Little things like that. The doctor is okay; her staff is not.

I'm getting ready for the national month of writing, or whatever it's called. I still haven't decided what novel I'm going to write in November, but I have to do that soon because once November comes, I don't have a lot of time to think about it after that. I need to be writing. But that's something I'm looking forward to.

All of my stuffed animals are here now. They don't seem all that grumpy, even though some have been traveling a lot, and others have been at my sister's house just stored in boxes. I promised them we're home for awhile now. No more traveling or storage.

I keep forgetting I don't have the eating capacity I used to have before. I bought some cheese and chicken quesadillas from Costco yesterday, and microwaved two of them for lunch today. Could barely finish one of them. Every time I eat, I think with my eyes, not my stomach. So I ended up wasting a whole quesadilla. I guess in the old days I would have forced myself to eat it. At least I'm not making that mistake anymore.

Well, that's all for now.

Stumble It!

Life on the Duane front

I moved into my new apartment last week. It's really nice and pretty large. It has a washer and dryer in the apartment, including a dishwasher and a microwave oven. It's a one bedroom, but honestly I don't need any more space than that. It also comes with a detached garage, so whenever I get a car, I'll have a place for it.

I'm still having real eye sight problems, even though I'm on the proper medication these days. Not sure why it's taking so long for my eyes to bounce back, but I have real trouble reading with my glasses now, and I'm really hoping I bounce back quickly because the last time I had this problem, I ended up in the emergency room of the hospital. I had some blood tested the other day, but the doctor never got back to me, which I hope is a good thing (last time they sent the police to escort me to the emergency room).

Haven't had the opportunity to do much writing lately (really hard when you can't see the screen of the computer), so I'm hoping to get into that soon.

Michigan is already getting a bit cold, and I don't have a proper jacket yet. I left my two larger coats with Kat, and I figured it would only be a short time before I'd get them, but I'm freaking freezing now, and I don't anticipate I'm going to see them any time soon. I have to walk a long distance to the bus stop every morning and evening, and that walk is really, really cold. My thin jackets I brought with me aren't doing me that much good. I bought gloves two weeks ago, but I accidentally lost them on the bus, which means I won't have gloves for awhile (can't afford to buy another pair yet).

It's pretty funny living in an apartment with absolutely no furniture. I can't afford any yet. Yesterday, I bought an office chair for $15 from someone on Craigslist. That much pretty much blew away the last of my money for the next week. But at least I have a chair to sit on in my apartment. Hopefully, next week I'll be able to buy a few new pieces of furniture so that this place isn't so empty here.

The job is going well. I like the people with whom I'm working, and the work load seems all right. Getting used to the work atmosphere, and all that seems to be working. Eventually, I'm going to have to buy a car, because I live way too far away from the bus, and there's no way for me to even get to the local store without a car. I tried going to Meijer's supermarket the first day I moved here, and it was the longest walk I've ever had to do, and at some points the sidewalk just disappears, leaving you at the mercy of speeding cars that don't seem to recognize pedestrians. It's really not safe for someone without a car on that road, and as Winter approaches, it's not even conducive to survival.

Not much more going on. This posting may sound somewhat negative, but things are actually pretty good. I've been having a bit of a time getting over the whole mugging some time ago. That really messed me up badly. My right shoulder is still hurting pretty bad, as is my head and neck at times. My doctor recommended me for physical therapy, so I'll start looking into that as soon as I can start affording the co-payments for that. $20 a pop might not seem like much to others, but when you have absolutely no money, it is somewhat significant.

This has been my first weekend in my new place, and it's been nice having my own place to myself. Things are working out, and I'm grateful for that.

Stumble It!

Trying to find a reason

I'm sorry I don't have a link to a story to have you read instead. This happened to me. Today. In the morning. On the way to BART to travel to get my medication at Costco.

You see, the medication thing has been a drama that should have a thread of its own. It involves all sorts of things like lack of health care, the incivility of dealing with Kaiser Permanente, the civility that exists in dark corners of Kaiser Permanente, and how come a pharmacy can't communicate with a hospital without adding all sorts of extra drama. Well, that was taken care of, and I was on my way to get my medication when I turned the corner of the main street to walk up the stairs that leads to South Hayward BART.

There were three African American young men sitting on the stairwell railing when I turned the corner (you really don't get a warning...you turn the corner and you're there). Before I could even acknowledge them, the first of them stepped forward and clocked me. I mean really hard. I've taken some pretty hard hits in my time, but this came from nowhere like Mike Tyson finally found an ear he hadn't bitten yet. Next thing I knew, the three of them were on top of me beating the living **** out of me. No kidding. I can hold my own with the best of them, but this was the first beat down I ever had where I got in ZERO hits in response. This continued on for about two minutes as they pretty much robbed me blind. I mean that figuratively because they took my glasses, smashing them as they did so. I didn't have much of value other than my iPod Touch, but they ripped that out of my ear (literally ripping the cord as I kept trying to fight them off). Basically, my fight consisted of making sure I wasn't killed rather than actually trying to get in a lick or two of my own. I'll be honest but most people I know would be in the hospital right now after what I went through.

Then they ran. I stumbled back up, realizing I couldn't see **** because of my lack of glasses. Finally, I realized I needed to get to the BART station and report this. Other people had watched them run by and after the danger was gone, they were nice enough to report that they had seen these guys run by them with my bag and belongings.

So, I spent the next half hour with BART police debating with Hayward Police as to who had jurisdiction over the crime. Never mind the bleeding veteran. Jurisdiction was a conversation that required no less than ten police officers. No one was actually looking for the suspects. They wanted to know who had to write up the report. But as I say this, I will admit that even with that complaint, they were friendly and cordial to me, so this isn't a miff against the police in any way. Just one of those legospaceman rants.

The sad thing is: I used to feel pretty safe on this path to BART. I only live about five blocks from BART. Now, I don't feel safe at all. My main concern is that I'm going to do what comes naturally and start carrying a knife with me, or something like that, and I'm going to take out one or more of these guys next time it happens, which knowing my luck will land me in prison for a good part of what's left of the rest of my life. But I don't know what else to do. I don't perceive getting any protection from the police. I can try fending them off hand to hand, but these guys were smart and knew EXACTLY when to ambush me (or anyone else for that matter). I doubt there's ever going to be a fair fight, which brings me back to the obvious again.

So, now that the incident is over, let's go back to the original question. Three young black men ambushed a white guy. Is this a racial thing? Is this a societal thing? How do we stop this sort of thing from happening to more people? More police? More education? What drives me nuts is that I don't think anyone, and I mean ANYONE is trying to solve this type of situation. Oh, don't get me wrong. Politicians are building careers on talking about it, and sheriffs are cementing their careers by talking about how they'll eradicate something that they never seem to eradicate. But what is there we can do aside from take the law into your own hands?

Oh, by the way, I wasn't kidding about what I said on most people probably being in the hospital after this. I didn't get out of it unscathed. Lots of blood and let's just say that I wouldn't be surprised if I have a concussion as my head feels like a jackhammer just went through it.

Stumble It!

Health Care Is Only A Dream Away

Health care is all the rage in the news these days. President Obama's health care plan is going to revitalize the entire country. Complacent doctors say it will destroy the very foundation of medicine in the country, causing all of us to become troglodytes who will have to turn to witch doctors to be cured if "socialized medicine" gets passed in this country. Love it. Hate it. Whatever. Everyone seems to have an opinion, and in reality, no one really cares.

What am I talking about? Well, it's one of those issues that people have a stake in because it's political. It defines your party identity, so people take sides based on what they believe in. Most people arguing, and most people who are being listened to, are people who already have health care, and they don't need it. It won't affect them; it will affect those who really have no voice, and to be honest, no one really wants to listen to them in the first place.

Last time we tried to have universal health care, or something like it, we ran into the personal story defense, which is one of those fake defenses that makes people think the sky is falling based on one or two examples. In other words, if ONE person is affected negatively, then they can throw all sorts of fear tactics around and the people will blindly turn out against it. That's what happened with the Harry and Louise defense. Basically, what happened was this fictitious husband and wife were played by two actors, and the Republican Party made them pretend that they were going to be completely destroyed by President Clinton's health care initiative. The plan failed and has been forever linked with the failure that is Hillary Clinton, even though she tried to put that behind her as she ran for president unsuccessfully.

Well, that same sort of thing is happening again, but it's turning into more noise than anything else. And what people don't realize is the true fear of universal health care this time around is that the new program may not actually do anything different than what we're already doing. In other words, we may spend billions of dollars, but in the end we'll have a little bit of the same of what we already have. Those in the middle, people like me, will still have no health care, and the only ones that qualify will be those with steady jobs or those who have figured out how to game the system, something most of us in the lower middle class have never been able to do.

So what about me? Why am I talking about this as if I'm in this strange category of people who have no health care? And why should someone like me really matter?

Well, if you watch the way events will unfold, people like me are unimportant, and no one really does care. I don't say that to seek sympathy, but to pass on that people do not care for those who shouldn't be in a bad situation; like a lot of our class arguments, people blame those who don't end up coming out on top, almost as if it is a failing in their own abilities that they are starving to death and dying from lack of proper medical care in the country that has been the shining beacon for so many others before in the past.

Yes, I'm one of those without health care. How did I get there? Well, I had health care when I was working full time for a hospital system. Then I went back to school to do graduate school, to be able to better myself and get a step up in the academic community. So I had health care while going to school. After school, I took a job in South Korea where I still had access to health care (universal health care in South Korea). Then things turned bad. The job I had stopped paying me, and my only recourse was to return to the United States without employment. Since then, I've been unable to find a job, so the little bit of money I had accumulated is slowly dwindling, and my lack of health care has started to make itself known by the fact that I take a number of medications for an ailment that is part of my medical history.

Not having health care is a very interesting dilemma to be in. It is like being one of those turtles that has overturned itself and cannot get back up on its feet again. You keep thrashing over and over again, hoping somehow that someone will notice you're there thrashing, but people just point and stare, sometimes commenting on how bad it is that the turtle has fallen on its shell and can't get up again. This continues until the turtle eventually dies of starvation because it can never make itself upright again.

That's how being without a job and health care is for someone that isn't comfortable being without a job and health care. I walked to BART today to catch a bus that leaves from there, and while I was there, I was accosted by no less than five beggars, asking me for money. That is something I told myself long ago that I would never do, and the activity disgusts me, but at the same time I'm starting to see these people as possibly smarter than I am. I mean, they're not pretending that they're going to turn things around; they realize they're screwed, and they just stand there at the BART station asking people for money. They gave up. And they're probably making more money per day than I stand a chance to anytime in the very near future. So who is really the foolish one here?

I went to Kaiser today because they used to be my old health care provider. It's amazing how unhelpful the system is when you're no longer one of the "members". All I really needed was a copy of my prescriptions so I could at least find out what medications I've been taking (unfortunately, the prescription information of mine was lost in transit, along with my military DD214 (proof I served) and tons of personal paperwork that might make this whole situation a bit easier). Member services at Kaiser is annoyingly rude to most of its members and people like me. They seem to see everyone that shows up as an antagonist, so the attitude is immediately one of hostility (you could sense it when the one woman at her desk kept lecturing people for not waiting until she said she was ready to see the next person...imagine being spoken to like a prisoner at a detention facility, and you get the impression of how it feels to be in need of information from that type of a gatekeeper).

This ended up putting me into the emergency room of Kaiser because that's the only place that will see you if you're not a member. And they're not like other emergency rooms. They want money, and lots of it. I'm not talking about small amounts of money. They wanted astronomical figures. An example is drugs. The drugs that I take cost about $600 for a month's supply from Kaiser Permanente. The same drugs for the same period of time, bought from Costco, would cost me $37.50. But that's where the fun begins, because just getting the prescription from Kaiser to Costco was one of the quests that would have made the computer game Myst proud (for those who do not know...as one of the first real puzzle games, that game confused the crap out of tons of computer players when it was first released, causing more than one computer screen to end up with a broken beer bottle sticking out of it by the end of the night).

Anyway, why am I talking about all of this? Well, the argument for universal health care is waging in Congress right now, and in the end the chances are pretty good that nothing is going to come of it. Oh, they'll probably pass something, but it will be what's called feel good legislation, where they can claim victory without actually doing anything. The taxpayers will spend many billions of dollars, a few people will get outrageously more wealthier than they already are, and nothing will change. Why is this? Well, because people in Congress already have the greatest health care you can possibly get. And they get it for life. They don't need it. So why should they care? Sure, it sounds good to seem like you care, but at the end of the day when they're arguing numbers, what they care about is getting re-elected and becoming more powerful. Those of us slipping through the cracks don't matter. We're irrelevant. We can't die fast enough.

So, here's where I say something that hopefully will get you to think (I am addressing this to the two stuffed animals of mine who make up the readership of my blog). There is massive dissatisfaction with the government today by more and more people are finding themselves out of work and losing some of the basics of everyday life, like health coverage. There is a tipping point to where the amount of people falling out of the system start to become opponents of the system. We're not there yet, but we're moving there. And the problem with that is, and the problem that has ALWAYS caused, is that when this antipathy starts to turn to anger, there's no warning. Nor is there any smart seer on a hill somewhere with his or her pulse on the attitude of these people. When they rise up, they sweep pretty much everything out of their way as a movement that takes a life of its own. We've seen it happen so many times in the proto-modern times, and we've started to see it happen a lot more since the post-communist world where groups of people have become important variables that cannot be tracked until they've already done their damage.

Part of the problem with Obama is that he was seen as some kind of messiah, a response to what was considered a horrific period for the liberal ideas of mainstream America. Well, he's starting to show himself to be as regular as any other person, and that momentum that brought him to power is starting to show lots of kinks in the armor. People said they wanted change, but that's not what they really wanted. They wanted prosperity as part of a desire for accountability. They're receiving neither, and nothing indicates that anything being done today is going to lead to just that. I wish I was wrong, but I'm not.

Stumble It!

Why we'll never get health care reform in the USA

Right now, people are somewhat talking about health care in the United States. I mean, they're talking about it, even though they're probably not going to do anything about it. Really. In case you haven't figured it out, that's how politics works in the United States. We talk about things. We get outraged at things. And then we realize how hard it is to change the thing we're outraged about. So then we get indignant. And then we hear about something ELSE that gets us talking, outraged and then indignant, subsequently forgetting about the thing that we were first talking about. In case people don't realize it, and they do, but they just don't want to talk about it, we talked about, were outraged and then indignant about health care several times before we forgot about it and moved onto other things, like wars overseas, genocide in Somalia, anger about puppies being slaughtered and then outrage at how the Chinese may have cheated in the Olympics. And then we forgot all about all of these things and then started talking about John and Kate (whoever they are) and who might win American Idol this time around.

Paul Begala, a Democratic strategist and CNN political hack, has an article about how we're outraged but no one is covering it. Well, they are covering it, but the problem is not involved in the coverage, but how it requires television to cover it, and honestly, talking about health care is boring to news people on television. If there's no fire to show pictures of, it turns into a bunch of talking heads complaining, and while that might get people going for a few hours on Fox News, the rest of the country turns that sort of thing off. While Fox News may like to talk about their great news ratings, even the BEST news ratings pales in comparison to the WB's worst prime time programming (okay, think they're calling themselves the CW now...hard to keep up with a TV station that has no one watching it).

So is this going to be a problem for health care? Of course it is. No one is covering it because it's not a great television story. If it's not a great television story, they can't guarantee news ratings. And if that's the case, don't expect to hear much about now. Now if some senator had an affair with a porn star, THAT'S news. But have that same senator talk about some common person in New Jersey who can't afford to have health care, and the rest of the country starts yawning before turning to some world wresting smackdown with big buff guys yelling at each other before they go to a commercial that sells us products to enhance our genitalia or grow back the missing hair on our scalp.

America is in dire need of health care reform. And not some fix it that doesn't fix anything but moves some money from insurance companies to congress members' pockets. The system has been broke for a very long time, and as long as we have to rely on the current form of media coverage, it's going to continue to break even further. The tough choices to be made won't be made because the people who need to make those choices have more to gain by doing nothing (they actually get reelected for doing nothing) than doing something (the other guys will knock them out of office if ANY chance is taken because the spin is always easier than trying to explain complex economics to the general voting public).

So, don't expect any solutions any time soon. Expect lots of bluster and lots of talking about the issues by people who won't do anything to change anything. Expect some legislation that pretends to do something big and may even be named THE HEALTH CARE SOLUTION but actually does nothing. Unfortunately, we here in the United States are not very good at reading the fine print. We're not very good at reading the actual print either. We're just good at believing we're making a difference by talking about and complaining about things.

Like I just did. Expect the solution to be as solvent as my article. It feels good to say it, but it still won't get us anywhere. But then, I'm not an elected leader. I'm just some kid with a computer.

Stumble It!

As the World Turns

Current health
I'm okay. My system seems to have been adjusting to all the changes I've put it through. I can read normally again, and I don't feel like I'm about to have a stroke every time I go to sleep at night (part of that was probably stress and self-induced symptoms, I assume). Now, I feel good. Hopefully, I'm out of the troubled waters for now.

The job
It's actually better than when I started. There is massive turn-over here, which is stressful in its own way, but for the most part, things are generally stable. The students like me ("love me", according to reports from the parents), and the parents are constantly asking why I'm not teaching more of the classes because they'd rather have the "star" of the Academy teaching their students than random Korean teachers. That feels pretty good to hear, but at the same time I'm not sure I'd want the workload that would entail if they did add all those kids to my schedule.

I generally like the people I work with. There was one woman working here was kind of annoying, with one of those abrupt attitudes that really didn't seem appropraite most of the time. The kids used to complain to me about her (she was teaching science), and I knew she wasn't getting along well with her subject matter. They let her go yesterday, so she's no longer with us. Supposedly, someone else will replace her soon. That seems to happen a lot. Sometimes, it's justified. Other times, well, let's just say that I'm not qualified to make such judgments. But the other teachers and my supervisor are pretty cool. I like most of them, and even though we don't have long, drawn out conversations, I think we get along just great. We lost one teacher I really liked; she taught mainly the Toefl classes (English second language program). I got the impression she wasn't happy here, so I don't know if she left on her own or if it was a decision of management. Either way, she left a few days ago and asked if she could call me on my cell phone, so I gave her my number. I liked her. I hope she does well wherever she ends up going. She was somewhat in tears most of the other day, so it's sad to see someone cool have to go.

My computer
This situation was another one of those "can only happen to Duane" nightmares. It finally arrived a few weeks ago, but Customs had it and wouldn't release it. They wanted me to pay for it because it had insurance on it. A Korean teacher talked to them on the phone, and finally I had to fax (then scan and email) copies of my passport and other documents before they would finally release it.

So, I got it home and turned it on. Started up, and then gave me "Disk failure. Put in system disk." Nothing worked. Basically, it took me awhile to discover that the computer could not see my hard drive. So I rebuilt my computer. Twice. Finally, after a week, it could see the hard drive. It started up. But now it couldn't see my keyboard. You see, I installed this Zboard keyboard some months ago, and without it, my computer refused to recognize any other keyboard. No matter what I did, I couldn't fix it. So I bought a new XP disk and reinstalled Windows XP Home edition (over XP media edition, cause no Korean place had media edition). It came up and worked. But then I had no drivers. Duane wasn't smart enough to copy his drivers, so now I had no Internet connection and it had been so long, I couldn't remember how to get this configured. Finally, I realized that the ethernet card it was displaying wasn't actually an ethernet card but a protocol. So I used my laptop and found the drivers that fix the ethernet card. Then I had Internet access. Then, slowly I was able to reconnect everything else that needs to be working in my computer (cause now I could download them directly onto the computer). My life was pretty much saved by having a laptop and a flash drive. I now have to find tons of software that I no longer have because the new XP doesn't recognize any old files. I don't even have a word processor. Hopefully, Kat will find that software and send it to me. Or I'll end up having to pay a ton of money to buy it again, and as everyone is scared to death of allowing software downloads from Pirate Korea, I probably can't order anything directly from the US online. But I'm back up and running, so that's good. Plus, my computer starts up a lot faster when it doesn't have a ton of other software that refuses to stop loading first.

My writing
Not much to say. No success here. I received a copy of the book 2009 Novel & Short Story Writer's Market which I ordered from a British book company I buy a lot of books from these days. I've been pretty happy with them so far.

My degree
University of the Pacific still hasn't updated my transcripts to reflect I have a master's degree. But then I understand I'm not the only one who hasn't received an update from UOP, so I'm not panicking just yet. Kat is going in tomorrow to see what the status was on the printing of my thesis, which according to my understanding should not be a problem towards awarding my degree. But we'll see....

That's about it. Not much else going on. No social life whatsoever. Not even trying. But that's okay. I gave up on women a long time ago because they're all icky and have cooties. Calvin, Hobbes and I aren't letting any grrls in our club treehouse.

Stumble It!

The day before Christmas and you wouldn't know it being here

The snow
I walked to E-mart yesterday, and it was really the first time I've had time to go anywhere other than work lately. It was then that I realized there was snow and ice on the streets. It wasn't like full-blown snow, but it was obviously white and it was all over the place. I was told by any number of Koreans that it didn't snow in Seoul. I think I have just experienced another one of those inexplicable lies that people say for no reason whatsoever. I sometimes feel like Korea is an entire country made up of patholical liars, because honestly, what would have been lost to have said "Yes, Duane, every now and then snow does touch the ground of Seoul." Is this some kind of pride thing, which is the reason behind most of Korea's lies? Are they afraid I won't appreciate Seoul more if it ever snows here? Is this the first time EVER that snow has appeared here? I seriously doubt that last one. Still, people told me it never snows here. I'm not sure why, but that's what a lot of people have said.

iTunes
Sometimes, this service really pisses me off. It's expensive to buy things from there, yet sometimes it's your only way of getting access to the things you want. I downloaded two tv shows yesterday (Sarah Connor Chronicles) and it cost me $4 total. Not much, but that sort of money adds up. What really bugs me about this is that this is a one-time download. It's ONLY on my current computer, meaning that if I ever wanted to see those tv shows again and had my main computer, I'd have to buy them again. This was a problem for me when I came here and had my laptop. I had a bunch of music from iTunes on my old computer, but I had to buy the same music again, because they charge per download, not per account. I use Steam, which is a game resource from the company that makes the very popular game Half Life. I ordered a game from there the other day called Titan Quest. Turns out, it doesn't run so well on my laptop, but when I get my main computer hooked up again, I can download it for free because I bought it on my account, not just for one computer. That's where Apple pisses me off. They're so pretentious about how great they are, but it's all about the money, and customers come second to them.

Health
I'm continuing to feel better. I can pretty much see normal now. I've been having serious problems sleeping, and I've been taking a sleeping pill (over the counter type) to compensate. I ran out the other night (I don't take it every day, but every other day or so), so I went to a Korean Yak (pharmacy), the one where I first bought it, and it was a Sunday. They said they were out of all types of sleep medication. At least I think that's what they said. They pointed and shrugged shoulders a lot, so I can only guess that was what they were saying. Fortunately, yesterday, I found a new Yak close to me, and I bought two packages of the same product. I slept really well last night, although I had a pretty hard time getting on with my day as that stuff generally knocks you completely out.

Work
We're starting up a new group of students here, and I'm not really sure what my teaching schedule is, although it does appear to be kind of sparse. I find myself highly under-utilized here, and I don't really mnd it, but it does seem to be a normal thing here. I believe I'll be teaching one or two classes a day (who knows?), but the content of the classes is somewhat unknown to me, and again, I have a strong feeling I'm going to find out the exact content about an hour before I teach my first class. I'm teaching writing, but that could mean anything here. I think I'm supposed to teach based on the previous teacher's lesson that day, which means I'm not going to find out what she's teaching until she finally actually comes out and reveals it to me, something that rarely happens, even if you ask directly. Instead, they'll tell you it doesn't snow here.

But the job isn't bad, and it's kind of nice to be taking a break from the rest of where my life was going some months ago. I'm glad school is over, even though I have no idea if I graduated because here it is December 24th, and University of the Pacific has yet to post that I've graduated. I keep checking on my unofficial transcripts, and they keep listing me as a continuing student. I have this sneaking suspicion that they're going to screw this up yet another semester, which makes my job prospects crappy again. The administration of the university (not my department) is really dysfunctional and seems to work against the students rather than for them. You'd think that wouldn't be the case, but it certainly is.

Random Notes
I'm really looking forward to getting my desktop computer here. I've really missed it. It's been like living a temporary life where my real life is completely on hold, and that really shouldn't be the case. I'm here and now, which means this is my real life. It just seems like I'm holding space until the rest of my life catches up with me.

I have Christmas off, but only because it's my weekend day off. If it wasn't I'd probably have an additional day off, so I'll end up just getting my weekend day off instead. It would have been nice to have an extra day off, but the schedule didn't work out that way. The same thing is going to happen for New Year's Day, because it falls on the day exactly a week after Christmas. People in Korea really don't celebrate Christmas all that much because they really don't have the incentive to do so. It's become entirely commercial in both Korea and the United States, and the economy is horrid in Korea right now, so people aren't interested in spending money.

Stumble It!

I think I'm getting better

Today is the first day where I've actually been able to read while wearing my glasses. For those who haven't been following my blog or facebook notes, I've been having trouble seeing with my glasses on because of a medical condition. The belief was that over time the condition would start getting better (hopefully) and that my sight would start getting better as well. That was weeks ago, and I was really concerned during this time. Today, however, I've actually been able to read normally unlike previous times in the recent past. There's still a bit of fuzziness, but that just means there's still more to adjust, but for the moment, let's just say it's so much nicer being able to read this way and not get a headache every fifteen minutes from not using my glasses.



Not much else going on. My thesis is still going through its Kafka-esque journey of approval from the Graduate Deparment. My God, I never thought ONE person could make it so difficult for a thesis to be accepted. Turns out she "lost" it last week by placing it on her file cabinet, or her desk, or wherever it was in her office. Kat had to point at it and say "there it is", and the women STILL tried to blame Kat for her own screw up. And this is the school that said I wasn't "qualified" to work there when I applied to be an employee while attendng UOP. Apparently, the word "qualified" has a lot of humorous definitions at University of the Pacific.



So, I am assuming I graduate this month. Who knows? They'll probably do something else really stupid. Everything else up until now has been a nightmare with this process. Why are they doing this? It's not like I was an enemy of UOP or the Graduate School at any time? Everyone else seems to be doing just fine with the process. Is it because I'm not physically there and unable to micromanage the process, so they figure I'm easy pickens for screwing with for no reason whatsoever? I don't really understand this.



As for here, my boss is having me create something a little different than I am here for; he wants me to create a debate teacher's program, so that we can train English instructors, specifically the Korean ones, to teach debate as well as English. After my initial uneasiness with the project, I'm actually developing the plan forward. I briefed two of the teachers on Wednesday, and while I can see them being a bit apprehensive (they have zero debate experience whatsoever), I kept trying to reassure them that this would not be a problem, and that with some work, they can actually do pretty well with this. What I don't think they realize (or maybe they do) is that the completion of this project will make them a lot more employable in South Korea, because there are a few schools that do the English/Debate thing here. It's really hard to find qualified people to do it, because a rational debate teacher isn't going to want to go and ALSO teach English for three days of the week. Yeah, I guess I'm really not always the most rational person.



That's about it. Wanted to share some slightly better news than usual. Been doing a lot of complaining lately, although I had a good reason to be doing so. They don't really share any of the same holidays with the US here, so what we do get off is Christmas and New Year's. Unfortunately, both of those days fall on a Thursday, which is my normal day off, so that means they won't be anything special for me when it comes to work. They don't give compensation days or anything like that. I'll just have the normal days off, and have to console myself with the fact that at least I'm not having to work on those days as well. Being in a different country can be a bit frustrating sometimes.



I weighed myself yesterday, and I'm at 147 pounds, which is somewhat near (or at) my ideal weight. My clothes don't fit anymore, and that's a problem because everything I have to wear is many inches too big. I really don't have the money to go out and buy new sets of clothing. This means tightening my belt, which is also a bit of a problem because I've run out of notches to tighten up with, so I either have to buy a new belt, or I'll have to do what I did when I was poor: create a new hole in the belt. But can I really complain, however? I've lost a lot of weight, and it's not some crash diet where the weight goes right back on once I stop being on the crash diet. This is the normal way I eat every day now, and my weight has melted off as a result. I'm kind of happy, foodwise, so there's really no reason to complain.



I sent my novel, The Ameriad, to Ricia Mainhardt's Literary Agency, and I'm still waiting for a response. She's having one of her readers take a look at it, so we'll see what happens. I've received mostly rejections from everyone to whom I've sent my other stuff. As soon as I finish the final edit on Rumors of War, I intend to start sending out query letters to agents for that one as well. It sucks that it takes so much effort to get published properly, but I'm hoping that once it happens, it will all have been worth it.



So, how am I occupying most of my free time? World of Warcraft. I figured that if I can't escape Korea and go to America, at least I can escape Korea and go to Azeroth (the land of World of Warcraft). I've been playing on the Horde these days with my hunter, and he's now 43rd level. I'm in a pretty decent guild on one of the Oceania servers (playing here because at least that way I'm closer to the same time zone as everyone else). Yeah, I know some people treat the game as some geek thing, and that's all right. But it does occupy a lot of free time these days, and believe me, it's been a lifesaver over the last few weeks, because things haven't really been all that great, and sometimes it's really nice to have something like that to take your mind off of real world things.



That's pretty much it for now. I'm at work right now, about to get ready for Writing and Composition classes with some middle school kids. One positive thing so far about being here is that I've found myself really liking the kids. They may get annoying at time, but that's because they're kids, and that's what they're supposed to do. But they like me, and I feel they respect me as well. I listen to the classrooms of other teachers, and the kids seem almost completely out of control. In my classes, they participate, and we get along without that loud, racuous noise I hear from the other classes. I'm not sure why it doesn't happen in my classes, but I'm not a strict teacher either. I do make them laugh a lot, and I think that has something to do with it. It also took weeks of working with the kids before they started to warm up to me; I have one of those strange senses of humor that takes time to get used to. One day, with one of my classes, it seemed like things were never going to get better (it was feeling like a bad class), so I just started talking about how squirrels are evil, carry machine guns, and one must always be on guard to warn if squirrels might attack. That, alone, did it. The kids have so much fun with this little joke, that sometimes they'll answer questions, using squirrels as the prompt to lead them to answer even more questions. The thing was: I wasn't planning to use this dumb joke as a starting pointi to anything, but it just worked. Another day, I talked about mind-controlling teddy bears, and it just worked great with another group of kids. It's partly because it's absurd, and kids often live in an absurd world where things don't always make sense. It creates a strange bond between the teacher and the students, when both can joke about the same thing, yet still manage to get the work done that is required. Anyway, I'm just pontificating about something I don't really understand anyway.

Stumble It!

The Status of Duane

I wish I had more to say, but I really don't. Nothing is going on in my life right now, other than I get up in the morning, do some random work around the apartment, and then I go to the school where I team little middle school kids a little bit about the English language. On the weekends, Saturday and Sunday, I hold debate classes where students learn about an issue, prepare a case, and then argue with each other, using the international debate format. Sometimes, I find myself impressed with their arguments; other times, it's like listening to two ships in the night, talking about two different issues and wondering why I'm listening to what they have to say.

As for my health, it's kind of on a "wait and see" basis. Things are not great, and they don't seem to be getting all that much better. Right now, the big problem is that I'm having vision problems (I can't read with my glasses on, and I get a headache without my glasses). I had this same problem a few months back when my potassium went nutso on me, but all tests have indicated that the same problem is not back, so it looks like it's a wait and see process to hope that things start to correct themselves.

I do really regret coming here, however. I feel like the protagonist in Kobe Abe's Woman in the Dunes, where a man becomes trapped in a society of people who live in the sand, and there is no way for him to escape, so he has to accept that he will always live in a sand house that is constantly collapsing on him, because that is what was chosen for him. I feel trapped that way, a lot, and as much as I try to compensate by making things more comfortable, I can never escape the fact that I live in a house of sand that no matter how much furniture and westernized conveniences I add, I'm still going to be living in a house of sand.

The frustrations are such simple things, too. Like my computer. I really miss my computer, because with that, I could wile away lots of time playing games, of which I have a massive collection (none of which are with me right now). My laptop computer here is being used as my main computer, and it just doesn't have the processing power to do the things I want to do, so it's like living with a manual typewriter and trying to use it to surf the web. Okay, it's not that bad, but the point still remains. My stuff is still back in the states, and it is taking forever to get any of it over here. To get some of my own stuff here would be such a boon, because at least then it would feel like a little bit of my own life is here, but none of it has come here so far, so I keep finding myself having to compensate by settling for less than what I desire.

And my graduation from University of the Pacific is supposed to be this month, but I have no way of feeling that out whatsoever. Kat has been making the changes to my thesis (the page changes, not content), but the graduate school is so dysfunctional that it would not surprise me if somehow I don't even graduate, but get swept under the rug because they really don't care. The woman who works at the front desk of the Graduate School serves as a barrier to education, and it's amazing that this woman even has a job sometimes. But she continues to do what she does (making it more difficult for people to graduate because...well, no one really understands why she does this because it doesn't serve any positive purpose whatsoever, for the students or for the university, or even for general prosperity).

I've started playing World of Warcraft again, mainly because it's the only thing my computer CAN handle, and it gives me a release from living in Korea. I don't even care to explore Korea these days because I'm just so frustrated with being here. Today, I went to Costco, which is about the most I've traveled in some time. I bought a bunch of stuff with which I hope to make my life more comfortable, like a few DVDS (half of season 1 of LOST and all of season 2). I'd rather have my own DVDs here, but again, I have very little of my stuff from back home, so I have to do what I can to add to my sanity here. I also bought a huge pack of pens because the pens you can buy in office supply stores here suck big time. I also bought another HUGE box of Honey Nut Cheerios because at least those I can eat for breakfast and not feel like I'm sticking a trout in my mouth first thing in the morning.

I have started to find books here at various bookstores, even though some of them can be massively expensive, meaning you have to really search each store and compare prices on books. An example is the new Ken Follett paperback, World Without End. At What The Book, a bookstore here in Itaewon with English titles, this book was being sold for 35,000 won (about $26), whereas Bandi & Luni in the Coex shopping mall was selling it for the list price of 12,820 won (nearly a third of the price). You find that with a lot of things here, so much that you really have to be careful with what you buy and where you buy it or you'll get massively screwed.

Haven't even given any thoughts to relationships here. I know some of my American friends would probably be surprised by this because it's not a secret that I have somewhat of a weakness for Asian women. But it doesn't seem to be happening this time, and I find myself really not interested. I think what has happened is that I have lost all patience with most of the women I deal with, and thus, I really don't want to get involved. My interests are pretty finicky in relationships, and I find that sometimes it's just not worth the effort trying to find someone. I think my chance to find someone ended some years back, and that I had a couple of really good prospects that I screwed up, so I believe that nature has finally just decided that I let the brass ring go by too many times, so I'm really not going to be finding anyone again. I have this really bad tendency to become involved with women who want to be friends with me, and that's about all I ever find anymore. I know most of that is my fault, because as most people point out to me, what I should just say is that I'm not interested in friendships with anyone new, and if they're not interested in anything further than that, then move on and seek out someone else.

My hope is that I will be able to find a job back in states, so I can go home and work there. Korea would have been fine for me about ten years ago, but at this age, it's really not doing that much for me. I get really frustrated with incompetence, and there's a lot of that at work. And when your management screws up and then feels the need to make YOU responsible for how they screwed up, it really gets irritating. One example was this last weekend. I haven't had an actual debate in two weeks (weird schedules were the cause) so I had no idea what my schedule actually was. So I kept asking the supervisor for a schedule. ("Okay, I give schedule tomorrow...." and of course, no schedule comes tomorrow) Then, I was given an interview schedule (they want me to interview students for the new debate program) where my first interview was at 1pm. Then I get a phone call at 10am asking me why I'm not at work already to coach a debate that I knew nothing about. Instead of "sorry, we should have told you", I get "You should know to be here, and get here now!" as a response. Then I get the supervisor claiming she "told" me, even though the only thing she "told" me was about the interview at 1pm. It doesn't help that NONE of them speak any English, nor that none of them understand anybody's Korean, including mine. That's the other problem with this country. The language. It's a garbage language, in case you didn't know that. It was written only recently in history, and so many words mean so many different things that if you ever listen to a phone conversation, you'd go nuts. It literally goes like this:

A: Yobaseyo. (Hi)
B: Yobaseyo. (Hi)
A: Papaseyo? (Are you busy?)
B: Huh? (What?)
A: Papaseyo? (Are you busy?)
B: Ah, Papa John's Pizza? (Ah, Papa John's Pizza?)
A: Aniyo, Papseyo? (No, are you busy?)
B: Ah, Aniyo, Peolo anpapeyo. (Ah, no I am not particularly busy)
A: Papa John's? (Papa John's?)
B: Aniyo, Peolo anpapayo. (No, I am not particular busy)
A: Mmm, Papa John's. (Mmm, let's eat at Papa John's)
B: Ne, Papa John's. Ne. (Yes, Papa John's, Yes)
A: Mmm. (Yummy sounds)
B: Anyoung hee, kashipseyo. (Goodbye to you leaving)
A: Ne, Anyoung hee, keshipseyo. (Goodbye to you staying)

Gotta love the language. No one ever gets anything done, but they all seem to end up at Papa John's Pizza.

Stumble It!

The problems of getting sick in a foreign country

I finally got to see a doctor today, and they ended up admitting me so they could put me on an IV. Unfortunately, they want to keep me for a week in the hospital, and I just don't have the time to do that because there's no way in the world my job would allow me to miss that much time. Yeah, I'm not kidding. It's just not an option. My employer lives in a different world than that of reality, and I can already see how such a request would go over. Basically, it wouldn't go over at all.

So, I'm trying to do the best I can without being admitted into a hospital for a week's stay. My blood tests haven't been all that great, which means something has to be done, and I really am starting to run out of options.

Spending my day off on a hospital bed with an IV coming out of my hand was not exactly what I had intended for today, but I can't really fault them for trying to save my life now, can I? One positive piece of news was that my potassium levels were not actually the problem (something I thought was the case, as this is why I ended up in the ER right before I left for Korea). Same symptoms, different cause.

So, I have to go back for more testing on Thursday, and they'll probably admit me again for another day's worth of IV fun.

******************************************************************************
Current word count for Rumors of War: 22516. Took a few days off because of health reasons. Will try to get back to finishing this. On another note, my old agent got in touch with me today by leaving me a phone message. She's going to take a look at The Ameriad, and there's a slight chance she might be representing me again, although it still feels pretty much like a long shot. That's how the whole publishing industry seems these days. A long shot.

Stumble It!

An update from the depths of Hell...I mean Korea

It's sometimes hard to figure out if I like it here or really just hate it. I find myself wishing I was home a lot, or wishing I was anywhere else but here. If I had the choice to do it all over again, I would never have come here. There are just so many things that are screwed up, and it gets really frustrating.

Example: Today, I was informed that the "government" will not give me my medication that was sent to me from the states without me having a prescription for my medication to present to them. I don't have a prescription because it's my medication from the states, being sent here because I forgot to bring it. There's no grey area. No prescription, no medication. I guess they think I'm trying to smuggle in weed or something, even though it's in pill form and comes in bottles marked as the appropriate medication that it actually is. An easy Internet search (looking up the medication will show you it IS the medication claimed) could be conducted, but they are "too busy" for that. So I guess my medication is going to be thrown out instead of delivered to me. Another reason I hate this place.

I can't even do simple little things that I might enjoy, like play the new Sid Meier's Civilization IV: Colonization. I can't play it because if you don't live in North America, no one will sell it to you. You can't even download it anywhere because they've blocked off South Korea for distribution. I was able to buy a game I really didn't want called Titan Quest, but it doesn't work properly on my laptop, so that was yet another waste of money for something I don't even get any pleasure from.

My writing career sucks being here. I can't send out queries unless the agent takes email queries, but when you email an agent, they don't take you seriously and just delete your emails for the most part. I can't send in short stories because mailing to the states is inappropriately overpriced. So, I can write, but that's about it.

The food. I can't stand most of it. I have a hard time going to a supermarket here because when I get into the meat section, the aroma nearly causes me to vomit. Did I mention that I really hate it here?

The people I work with are okay, but they have a really bad habit of speaking only in Korean and then wondering why I never know what's going on. Today was a good example of that. We lost one of our teachers (he quit a few days ago) so I had to take over his class on English writing. I found this out today, about an hour before class. The head teacher asked me how come I didn't have a lesson plan already made up (an hour before class). I said I just found out about the class. She said that everyone knew, and how come I didn't? Yeah, that's the kind of thing that really causes one to sit up and hate where they're at.

And medically, I'm really having some problems here. I have a condition I can't seem to fix, and if it's as bad as I think it is, I've been living with an imminent heart attack coming at any time for about the last three weeks now. No one seems to understand the significance of needing to get medical coverage taken care of, mainly because it's not happening to them and, in the words of one very sensitive Korean: "You haven't had a heart attack yet, so you're fine."

On the positive side, I bought a really nice 22 inch flat screen LCD monitor for my computer for the equivalent of 22 beads and trinkets (about $140). So I hope someone gets some great use out of it after I collapse on one of these upcoming days.

I also read a really good science fiction book called Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. I'm now reading the next Cliff Janeway novel by John Dunning.

Stumble It!

Trip to the Emergency Room

Yesterday was an interesting day. I've mentioned before (I think) that I've been having flu-like symptoms, but I don't have the flu. My sight has been really blurry lately, and I thought maybe I needed reading glasses. Not really sure what was wrong, I went into Kaiser yesterday to do two things: One, get my normal blood work testing done (which has been awhile) and to see a nurse about the dizziness I've been feeling lately. They told me that all of my vitals were completely normal, and to call if something else occurred to make me feel like I'm sick again (even though I did tell them that I was still having the symptoms right then and there). But they're the experts, so I figured there was nothing really wrong.

That evening, about 10pm, the police dispatched two officers to my house. They told me that Kaiser needed me to go to the Emergency Room immediately. I called Kaiser's number, and they repeated the statement: Go to the emergency room now!

So, I drove to Dameran Hospital (not sure of spelling) and visited their emergency room. After some testing (same testing I had previously in the day), they determined that I needed to be admitted immedately. They spent the next six or so hours giving me all sorts of IV medications to reduce my potassium levels.

I ended up finishing with the ER at 5:30am, and I was able to drive home. I just woke up a few minutes ago (5:30pm). My stomach is a lot uneasy this evening, but I can actually read what I'm typing, so that has to be a good sign.

I'm not looking forward to the bill that's sure to come due for this whole circumstances, but right now I'm just glad that everything turned out okay. I can't believe that when I was on the phone with Kaiser that I was debating going to the Emergency Room based on how much it might cost me financially in the future. I wonder how many others end up in that same situation and through destitution decide not to go, and then die.

Stumble It!

Don't tell anybody, but I think I've become a Vegan

It's not that I hate meat or anything. I just discovered it's kind of killing me. So, I've started to stock up on mainly Vegan foods. I think they're Vegan. I never really did figure out the difference between vegetarian and vegan, so cut me some slack. Instead of my Philly Cheesesteak for dinner, I had split pea soup, a banana and some grapes. I did some grocery shopping today and bought mainly vegetables and fruit. Couldn't believe how much food has animal products in it, cheese or various types of milk.

So does going Vegan mean I have to become a liberal? And do I have to take up smoking, too, because I use to see nothing but smoking Vegans when I lived in San Francisco? Part of the "allowable" foods was beans, lots of different types of beans. I'm not ready to go there yet. I can't stand beans, and I might just starve first.

Stumble It!

Starting to think about tying up loose ends

It looks very much like I'm going to be moving to Korea. Nothing else came through for me, and they definitely are offering me the position. I was told that the contract would be Fedex'd to me in the next few days (or sent by carrier pigeon...who knows), and then I can actually start working on getting the Korean E2 visa paperwork completed.

I'm going in for surgery next week for the shoulder manipulation. We've been kind of waiting a long time for this, but hopefully this will give me a lot more mobility with the arms and make it so it doesn't hurt so much on a constant basis.

Finally received my thesis back to go over one last time. It looks like once I have these fixes completed, it should be ready to send out to the three professors, and then we'll go into defense mode. I was getting really concerned about this because if it didn't happen soon, I realized I was probably going to be leaving for Korea in a little more than a month, so the defense might never come because I just won't be in the country anymore.

Been doing a lot of playing of Tabula Rasa lately. I have to admit that the game is pretty solid, and it's so much more interesting than World of Warcraft. Sure, it has a lot of flaws to it, but it's completely different than everything else that is out there, so it definitely serves to pass the time in a fun way. Plus, the one thing it has that almost NONE of the other games have is a great, solid backstory that weaves itself through the game. Most other games tend to have a backstory that is just that: A story in the background. This story is very much at the front of the game, and as you play the game you find yourself involved in the story line, which is pretty rare. There were some signs of that in Lord of the Rings Online, but most people knew the general story, yet it was pretty well done in how they incorporated the regular folk into an epic story that is really about a few dozen people. Tabula Rasa becomes one of those stories where the individual is more important than a few key players in the story line and that is both welcome and rare.

A negative, however, is a really, REALLY cheesy publicity campaign that is being used by the people who run Tabula Rasa to link Richard Garriott (the guy who designed the game) and his upcoming space tourist flight he is going to be taking. They've decided to integrate the real world space flight Garriott is taking and turned it into one of the cheesiest publicity campaigns of all time. I think the actual campaign claims that RG is going to space to "save humanity" from the evil bane (the creatures attacking in Tabula Rasa), and that somehow they're going to bring a data disk of the DNA of people playing the game. Yeah, really cheesy. I'm kind of embarrassed to be affiliated with the public relations part of a game I'm enjoying so much. The way I figure it: Go to space and have fun because you're a freaking multi-millionaire who lives in a castle in Austin, Texas. Don't pretend you're saving humanity in a computer game you've created, because even though you have a lot of geek cred, there's a point where geek cred stops being an asset and becomes a serious loser liability.

Stumble It!

Way overdue for an update

I realize it has been over a month now since I last added an entry, so I figured I'd just kind of recap what's going on.

1. No real job so far on the horizon. I've been trying, and I have not been very successful. I keep ending up as the "second choice" of colleges, but never the first choice. San Francisco State went with one person over me. Casper College went with the other person over me. Pacific University in Oregon went with the other person over me. They often call me to tell me that they wished they could have chosen me, but in the end, they didn't choose me. My prospects are looking really dim these days. I almost got Hillsdale College, and I probably would have got it, but I had problems with my flight, so they ended up having to give it to one of the other people who actually showed up for the official interview in Michigan. I don't really know what to do at this point. I'm not finding any success, and it's almost August now.

2. Working temporarily. I'm working for EF, which is an English teaching school that works through the University of Phoenix. It is one of those jobs that lasts only a month, and by the end of this week, I'll be completely unemployed again. Before that, I was working a temporary month or so job with the county as an election trainer. That, too, ended, so little by little my little gigs are drying up.

3. Overseas might be my only hope. I'm currently looking into working in South Korea, teaching English or debate. We'll see how that turns out.

4. My computer stopped working last week. Apparently, my power supply decided to stop working, or blew itself out. I had to take my computer to a shop to actually get it repaired. To be honest, even though I've been a computer technician before, I misdiagnosed my own computer and didn't realize it was something as simple as a bad power supply. So, I replaced that and added another gig of ram to my computer (bringing it up to 3 gigs of ram). Cost me $200 that I didn't really have, but what can I say?

5. My writing hasn't been going very well lately. I am at one of those stages in my writing where I have a novel formulating in my head, but it's not ready to come out yet. This happens to me a lot with my novels. Unfortunately, it leaves me wanting to write, but not feeling comfortable enough to write yet. I have a working title of this next project that seems to be around the corner, entitled: She Talks to Penguins. Believe it or not, it's actually a very serious project, and something a bit different from what I've tried to tackle in the past. Considering I've tackled adventure, suspense, science fiction, fantasy, epic comedy and romance, this is more of a slice of life kind of novel, which I never actually imagined I would be writing. I guess it is more consistent with some of my recent work, which included my short story "Simple Girl" that took second place from the Stockton Arts Commission this summer; for the record, my romance story, "Buried Memories," took first place from the Stockton Arts Commission the year before. "Simple Girl" was more of a moralistic type of story about a stereotyped girl who everyone seems to ridicule behind her back, but in the end she was really the wisest character in the story.

6. Relationships. None. That's never really changed. I had a conversation with Kat yesterday when we went out for a beer at BJ's, and we talked about that same subject. I guess I don't really know what it is I'm looking for these days. In the past, I was involved with some pretty strange women, dating anything from a crazy girl from Hong Kong who desired to kill everyone in the human race, fondly referring to me in a loving manner as "the last victim"; a professional dominatrix who didn't understand why men found her so intimidating; a seriously toxic semi-supermodel who used to leave the table after we eat to vomit up everything she just chowed down; several best friends with whom I may have or may not have been actually dating at the time (just couldn't figure it out and blatantly asking just gave me vague replies); a couple of 18-20 year olds, who put out airs that they were much more mature for their age until we started dating and then suddenly they were really 18-20 year olds in maturity as well; and well, a couple of others that were great but just weren't either looking for me, or not there when I was finally looking for them.

So, we somewhat concluded, or at least I did, that I'm looking for someone intelligent who can stimulate me intellectually. I don't find myself looking for the same thing other men are looking for. Sure, an attractive woman is great, and I'll spend an eternity looking at a beautiful woman (Shania Twain, I'm looking at you right now...), but there has to be more to it than that. And that's so hard to find because I think too many women are socially stigmatized by what other men are seeking that they're all convinced that most men are interested in them only for sex. And that bad disposition gets reinforced by bad choices they make in trying to find that guy who is "just like you but not you".

There have been a couple of women who have come along but they're just not interested in me, or in a relationship at the moment. Some of them have been perfect for me, and I felt I would be perfect for them. But those relationships have remained strictly friendships because they're seeking someone else, even though I sometimes suspect that they don't know what they're seeking either. What's funny is that no matter where I go, and I do go numerous places in my life, I always end up with at least one or two really close female friends who are never interested in anything beyond friendship. And my jury is still out as to whether or not that is a good or a bad thing.

7. The Shoulder. It still hurts. I can barely move my arm still, and the pain has actually spread to my right shoulder as well, so I have little full mobility, and it hurts when I try to stretch my arms behind my back, like when I try to put a belt on my pants. With that said, the pain has become lessened somewhat, and I do feel that I've been able to get a bit more sleep at night than I use to. I am heading in for a surgery consultation this afternoon, and then in August I'll actually have the surgery itself, where they stretch the shoulder into a position and then supposedly, that "fixes" the problem of "frozen shoulder". I'm hoping so because it's been over a year, and this situation has really sucked a lot.

8. Tabula Rasa. It means "clean slate" but it's also the name of the game I've been playing religiously with the spare time that I have every day. It's an online game, like World of Warcraft, but it's so much not like World of Warcraft. And that's what I was seeking: Something NOT World of Warcraft. The premise is that the Earth has been conquered by an alien race called the Thrax (or the Bane), and we've regrouped on other planets where we're trying to win back our freedom from Bane oppression. It's so much different than other games I've played, and it actually feels like you accomplish something when you play. Plus, the important thing for me, is that it has a very rich story interwoven into the fabric of the game. That's rare. The game was designed by the creator of Ultima (and Ultima Online), Richard Garriott. Great game. I highly recommend it.

9. The Thesis. My second draft was given to Marlin almost two weeks ago. I haven't heard back on it. It's 115 pages approximately, so I can see why it would take some time to read through and correct it. I'm hoping there's not much more to do, because I really want this over and done with. I've been in school way too long. Plus, I need the stupid degree so I can show that I have something in return for the two years I spent here at the University of the Pacific.

That's pretty much it for now. Wish I had more to add, but that's a mouthful alone.

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Learning to walk again

About a week ago, I started going on two mile walks. Nothing big, but considering the fact that I was doing absolutely no exercising at all, it's a start. I'm now getting to the point where I can feel myself wanting to run while I'm fast walking, but I realize I'm just not ready for that yet, and if I start out early I'll just end up slowing up my progress.

Also started to change my eating habits. Going out to eat for breakfast every morning is just way too expensive and way too many calories. Staying home, it's about a fourth of the price (eating food at home) and about 1/3 of the calories, if not even less than that.

I really wish I could get into an actual work out routine again, but this shoulder makes it impossible. It even hurts when I'm walking, so it's just one of those things that I wish would fix itself so I could work on getting myself in better shape.

My comprehensive exams start tomorrow sometime (I have no idea when, actually), so I'm a bit stressed out over that. My car also started showing the "Check Engine Soon" light, which means I'm somewhat screwed with my car that I still can't register because the State of California is dysfunctional when it comes to the DMV (although it sometimes feels like the DMZ when I go there). So, I'm really not sure what I'm going to do. It's pretty far to walk (about 3 miles) which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't raining and that I always end up walking home at 10pm at night. In the area where I live, that's guaranteed to get me killed, GUARANTEED.

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Michael Moore's "Sicko"

This semester I've been taking a graduate course on documentary film as political communication, so it's probably not surprising that Michael Moore has come up a few times in conversation. I've never really been a strong fan of Moore's but not because I disagree with him or think his methods are shady, but just because I've always felt that he sees too many things as black and white when I don't believe things ever really are.

Bowling for Columbine was a great movie, if you watched the movie as a process rather than as an argument. I came away from it with a couple of important points, although I wasn't completely sold on Moore's agenda. After it was over, I didn't have any desire for any more controls over guns. But I did come away from it with a new perspective on the culture of fear that exists within American society.

Now, Sicko was really interesting. I know there are claims made that are controversial, like Moorewatch claims that he cooks the numbers when he claims there are 50 million Americans uninsured (where Moorewatch calculates that the number is closer to 37 million, with around 9 million uninsured "non"-Americans who are in the US. What's really funny about criticisms like that one is that the movie has NOTHING to do with the uninsured of America. It's all about those who ARE insured, so who cares if it's 37 million, 50 million, or 250 million when that's not the topic being discussed?

The movie itself does point out that our system in the US is really screwed up. I've known that for years before seeing the movie. I know that this year I've spent so much money on co-pays to see specialists and my regular doctor that I'm close to being bankrupt right now. And I HAVE insurance. By the time the movie ended, I started thinking about learning French and just moving to France, because it is so obvious that their system cares a lot more about their people than ours does. I remember the nightmare I went through last summer just trying to get Kaiser Permanente to refer me to a specialist for my shoulder. It took an act of God, and my sister, to finally get something done about that.

So, the movie introduces a very interesting thing to think about. And that's the goal of a documentary. My class would argue that the goal is to persuade, but I'm starting to believe that's really not the contemporary goal. I think documentaries are designed to make us think. Used in conjunction with numerous devices, it may persuade, but I think in the beginning the goal of a documentary should be to introduce someone to the possibility that one's ideas are limited and in need of rethinking. And I think Sicko did that very well.

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5150

From Wikipedia:

Section 5150 is a section of California's Welfare and Institutions Code (specifically, the Lanterman-Petris-Short Act or "LPS") which allows a qualified officer or clinician to involuntarily confine a person deemed a danger to himself, herself, and/or others^[1] and/or gravely disabled. A qualified officer, which includes any California peace officer, as well as any specifically designated county clinician, can request the confinement after signing a written declaration. When used as a term, 5150 can informally refer to the person being confined or to the declaration itself.

Ever gone to see a counselor because things aren't going well in your life? Well, I discovered the intake person at Kaiser for counseling services does a very interesting thing when ascertaining your disposition. The intake person isn't really paying attention to what is going on in your life. He or she is more interested in questions like "Are you planning to do anything to hurt yourself?" Then they kindly set up an appointment with you that's not actually a counseling session, although it is called that. Instead, it is forty-five minutes of a psychotherapist trying to figure out whether or not to submit a 5150 claim, which would incarcerate someone as being a threat to himself or others, which they will do for 72 hours. So, if you're thinking bad, cloudy thoughts and you decide to see someone about it, be VERY CAREFUL of what you say to the intake person because that first person you see may not do a single thing to help you but will spend the entire 45 minutes (of which you still have to pay a co-pay) trying to decide whether or not to commit you.

I find that very interesting. So, if you're contemplating suicide and you don't want to be committed, DON'T TELL ANYONE AT KAISER just because you're hoping to see someone to help you find an alternative path to exploring the next day.

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Roommates, Cars, Women and Moving On

Over the years, I've had various roommates. Some have been okay, some have been horrific, and others were just regular. One of them was a blind Palestinian freedom fighter who dated 10,000 women and wanted me to give each one of them a different story as to why he was not "available" while he was "dating" someone else. But I digress....

I have three roommates now. All are okay. One of them I like a lot. She has a great attitude about everything, and I'll occasionally drive her to the store or to school. Another roommate I haven't seen in weeks, but his car shows up every now and then, so I know he's still living here. My other roommate is the one I've known the longest, and for some reason she's stopped talking to me. I don't know why. It's one of those things where I'll say "hi" and get one of those cold under the breath responses that don't develop into anything beyond that. So I go away thinking it must have been something I said, or did, or didn't say, or didn't do. I have this bad habit of wanting people to like me, so when I run into this sort of thing, it bugs me to no end. Strangely enough, I get along great with her boyfriend.

So, why does this bother me? Probably because lately everything has been bothering me. I don't date anymore, which leaves me lonely. I'm around people all the time, but they are arms-distance people who are in my proximity but not involved with me. So I'm essentially alone in the presence of other people.

My social networks are nonexistent. My closest friends live in El Cerrito, and I really don't have the opportunity to get to see them. I really live too far away. There's a theory in Interpersonal Communication that stems from social theory, and that's that people need intimate touch in their lives. One prominent scientist conjectured that people need 5 intimate touches a day to sustain a healthy life. I haven't been touched by anyone, aside from my physical therapist, in ages.

My life has hit a bizarre stage of frustration lately, especially concerning events that I just can't fix. This last week, out of the blue, I found out I can't register my car because the State of California says there are some problems "in Michigan" and that I needed to call "Michigan" to straighten it out. The number they gave me was to a disconnected phone, which didn't help any. I really don't know who to call or what to do about it. I don't even know what to do once I contact "Michigan" and figure it out. California won't register my car, not Michigan.

I get a nonstop avalanche or rejection letters from publishers, agents and editors. My writing career isn't happening.

Relationships haven't really worked out for me because I just live a lifestyle that's really not normal, and finding someone really hasn't been successful for me. I'm really not happy unless I'm in a relationship where I'm making my partner happy. I lived for many years thinking I was lacking in the attributes necessary to attract a partner, and now that I've managed to actually build a repertoire of skills and abilities, it seems like I'm too late, that all of my prospects have passed me by. The few women over the years to whom I would have surrendered the world for a chance to be with them never felt the same way in return. Yet, I see so much of the opposite all around me, and it makes me wonder if somehow I missed a connection in a train station I never realized I was traveling through.

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Societal double standards

Well, it appears that the jury is deciding whether or not Britney Spears was a trainwreck on the MTV's Video Music Awards program. While I stopped watching MTV when it actually stopped playing music videos, I am finding the condemnation of Britney to be quite humorous to observe. You see, while it was obvious she was just going through the motions and probably wasn't ready to be out in public doing this sort of thing just yet, what amazes me is that one of the commentaries being waged against her is that not only was she untalented, but she was also fat. Now, look at the picture. Is she really fat? Is she really considered obese? She just had a kid, and who can honestly be expected to keep the weight they wore when they were just becoming an adult?

But even without all that, what I find fascinating is that there is this whole movement in this day and age to "be proud of your body" no matter what size it is. Magazines that ridicule people who aren't "perfect" and then hold up to a pedestal women who starve themselves to death to maintain an unhealthy figure are the same magazines that are ridiculing Britney for being overweight, pudgy, and in the words of The New York Post, her performance was "lard and clear", stating that her "bulging belly she was flaunting was so not hot."

So, young women across the country, expect to be continued to be held to ridiculous standards of perfection to entice men and please women who are as critical as they expect men to be. We haven't moved any further forward on this issue, and we took three steps back. To me, THAT is so not hot, but then I don't write for The New York Post.

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That's the last time I help Batman fight Mr. Freeze

You know, once they refer you to a specialist, the medical staff no longer sucks. The orthopedic doctor took about five minutes to figure out I have what is called Frozen Shoulder. Miraculously, I was able to fit into a same day appt to see my new physical therapist. She verified it was definitely frozen shoulder, so now we're working on that. I have to do some specific stretching exercises and THEY HURT but I'm hoping this will solve things down the line.

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If you want anything done in this country, you got to beat the crap out of someone to get it

I decided I couldn't wait until August 23rd to have someone do something about my arm. I really don't sleep that much anymore because of my arm; it wakes me up in the middle of the night and then just throbs. So, I went into Kaiser, tried to get Ortho to change my appointment, which they said was impossible, and then I went to Member Services and...well...threw a holy fit that even Lindsay Lohan on crack couldn't have mimicked. Well, after about half an hour of that, somehow they were able to "fit me in" this Monday because someone miraculously canceled right at that particular moment. So, I'm seeing Ortho on Monday morning.



Countdown: 363 days

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Nope...no waiting lists in the USA for health care

The doctor that had me have an xray called me back today and told me she was referring me to a specialist. Turns out the first appointment I can make with a Kaiser specialist for my shoulder/arm is August 23rd. In other words, buck up little trooper and live with the pain for another three weeks before we let you see someone who will then order more tests and then have you wait even longer.

Yes, health care in this country is quite up to speed to all those third world countries like Canada and Europe.



Countdown: 364 days

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The perpetual arm problem

I'm still trying to get something done about my arm/shoulder. It's amazing how hard it is to actually get something done about it. I know Michael Moore's Sicko is all about how the health industry has its problems, but one of the biggest criticisms of the movie is that it focuses on foreign health programs and forgets to mention the long waiting lists people have to endure to receive care. Well, we have those, too. We just don't acknowledge them. I'll give you an example. Seeing my doctor was hard enough, considering she got injured and there's no way for me to know that, so NO ONE gets back to me when I'm trying to arrange an appointment. So, I have to arrange an appointment with some random doctor who is tasked with taking her clients, although no one knows she is tasked to do it, and there's nothing in place to let any clients know this.

So, I finally get to see her, and what I need is an MRI. I know this. My sister, the nurse, knows this. The homeless guy who hangs out at Carls Jr. knows this. But it seems that no one in Kaiser knows this. So, they first give me medication that doesn't work. So, a month goes by. I say I'm still in serious pain. They give me more medication. That still doesn't work. So I say I'm still in serious pain. They give me a cordizone (spelling?) shot. Helps for about a day, then the pain returns. They then give me medication. I keep asking for an MRI. Nope. Must go the process. Four months later, and about four hours of sleep later because of the throbbing pain each and every night, this strange doctor tells me I must have a referral to a doctor who can order an MRI, but before I can get this referral, I have to have an Xray done. Okay, that was Friday. Can't seem to get ahold of anyone as of Monday. So, that's where I am. Over 4 months have passed, and I'm still in serious, throbbing pain. And I still can't get referred to the guy who can order an MRI, THE ONE THING I NEED.

Krista and I broke up today. It was inevitable. I saw it coming some time ago because I realized that she was making too many sacrifices to be with me, and she didn't deserve that. She deserves better, and I wish her well.

I've been trying to get back into the swing of writing. It's been really hard because my place is somewhat trashed, and it's hard working around all of that. I spent a good portion of today just looking at the crap around the apartment before realizing I wasn't going to do anything to make it cleaner, so I ended up just puttering around the house most of the day.

I've decided to give up on finding a job. It's not worth the effort. It has cost me more money this summer trying to find a job than if I had stuck it out at home hiding behind my futon. I realize that there's really only one way I'm going to have a chance to become part of real civilization, and that's for my writing career to get moving. I'm giving it a year (the time I have left for school before I pick up my second MA). If I don't make it by then, I may just end it all right then and there. I'm figuring on a running jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, but from the opposite side as no one ever jumps from that side, and I'd like my end to at least be somewhat nonconformist.

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Temp job

I should be starting a temp job tomorrow morning. I'm not exactly sure how long it is supposed to last, but my understanding is that the hours are 8am to 5pm, Monday through Friday. It's essentially a glorified data entry position, but the pay is okay, and as we all know, I need money desperately. We'll see how long it lasts after I get there and find out a little more about it. It's in Pleasanton, which means it's quite a trip to get there, but again, beggars can't really be choosers sometimes.

Unfortunately, my shoulder hasn't been getting any better, and even with some medication, it's just overly painful sometimes.

That's pretty much it for now.

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Healthy in the health business

Today, I had the fortune (good or bad...who knows?) of having to visit Kaiser Permanente, the place where I have my health coverage. And as I was sitting in the lab, waiting for service, I started thinking, and here's how my thought process went:

1. I've been working hard on getting in better shape. I weigh a lot less now than I did a few years ago, having gone from 204 (some years back) to 180, not that long ago, to 156-7 today. So, I'm proud of what I've done because I've been working hard on becoming healthier.

2. My doctor at Kaiser emphasizes health all the time, talking about how it can save your life.

3. I remember my friend Jason who a few years back really got into a healthy lifestyle, and he looks great these days. A great inspiration for all.

4. I remember lots and lots of people at Spectrum Health hospitals in the admin departments, constantly asking him how he lost the weight, which diet he was on, and all sorts of similar questions that never resulted in a "I think I'm going to do that, too".

5. I remember a lot of people in the admin departments of Spectrum Health being in really bad physical shape. I thought nothing of it at the time.

6. So, here I was at Kaiser, watching all of the employees, and most were admin people, but what I discovered was that 80 percent of all the employees were grotesquely out of shape. I don't mean a few pounds over, but unhealthy and dangerously close to situations that might put them in a very bad situation.

7. I looked at all the signage at Kaiser explaining how to become healthier. I remember the same signage at Spectrum. I then looked at both the customers and the staff, and I realized many more were way out of shape than were in shape.

8. I concluded, from my recent dabble in marketing communication, that Kaiser (and possibly quite a few hospitals) need to start really focusing on their own staff's health (not just recommendations) but actually do something about it, because I started thinking to myself that if the staff who are telling me to get healthy are less healthy than I am, what kind of message is that actually sending?

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Got a steroid shot today

Yes, now I talk like zee Arnoldz, and suddenly my muscles have grown into mountains. I have this immediate desire to weight lift and ride my bicycle at really rapid speeds.

Okay, not really. I finally broke down and arranged a steroid shot for my arm. It's been killing me for months, and let's just say that I was moving into a very dark place where even Obi Wan couldn't bring me back, because I went to bed every night in pain from my arm, not able to sleep in most positions. It is supposed to take a few days to start healing, so we'll see. I really need to feel better again.

Anyway, that's all.

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